January 27, 2021

 This morning I woke up early and was incredibly horny, already composing a new erotic story in my head. The tiredness and horniness were a bit of a distraction and made it more challenging for me to settle my mind. I assumed that I would probably not make a ‘trip’ to the Imaginal because of this and indeed it did take me a while before I was invited. For about fifteen minutes, I enjoyed a meditation like they used to be, albeit with an expanded soul awareness that I wasn’t part of my experience a month or so ago.

Soul awareness is a good term because it feels like I’m tuned into a wider spectrum of experience that includes ‘information’ beyond my ego experience and physical sensations. Of course, this is not exactly new because for years now I have been aware of the Essential Realm which includes the perfect forms of Being, aspects of Essence, Diamond Vehicles and the Boundless Dimensions.


This new experience is more soul-based and has opened me to additional realms of Being that are perhaps less ‘perfect’ (meaning universally experienced: When you experience Essence, it’s the same for everyone. When you experience the Imaginal, the forms are experienced and perceived differently by different people.) The realms I’ve been exploring are flawed in that the souls are distorted and often confused. I think it would be crazy-making if I didn’t have the grounding of the Essential Realm because it would be very easy to get lost and distracted and confused. Diamond Guidance needs to be somewhat integrated into the soul’s awareness and the soul needs to be able to perceive the Essential Realm/Truth/Being/True Nature. These things make it possible for the soul not to get lost because the soul will not get distracted by the appearance of beings in the Imaginal and will stay focused on the truth of the experience. This keeps the soul on track, like it has its own compass pointing it (mostly) unerringly toward the Truth.


I admit that my own integration of DG isn’t perfect and I’m sure that my perception in the Imaginal is distorted to some extent by my ego experience, personal preferences and biases. Still, I feel like it’s mostly accurate and, with patience, seems to lead me in the right direction.


My sense is that the souls I encounter in the Imaginal are not perceiving themselves accurately and seem to hold onto idealized or habitual forms, reflecting beliefs about themselves they developed while they were alive. Therefore, I hope that you, dear reader, realize I’m just reporting on the way they appear to me and am not putting a lot of stock into their outward forms. It’s their inner truth that interests me and draws my attention.


After that long preamble, you’re probably expecting that I had some wondrous experience in the Bardo today. Well, I hate to disappoint you but  it was short and not that different from other experiences. ;-) I first became aware of a knight standing beside me. We were in the hallway of an estate or manor or castle. I couldn’t tell what time period this was supposed to be because the knight was probably an idealized form. The knight wore a very handsome suit of armor. It was made from shiny black metal with gold highlights, a true masterpiece. 


I tried to get him to remove his helmet but he resisted. Nonetheless, I could sense that he was a good looking guy, strong and robust and still young. He had brown hair and a strong chin and stood with an erect carriage. The sort of handsome knight that damsels (and some boys) fall for in fairytales.


The knight stopped before a closed door and stood at attention against the wall. I knew I was expected to enter the room and pushed open the door. Inside, there was a well-appointed study complete with a fireplace, an arched window and a desk. Rich robes lay across a chair before me, an indication of the nobility of the person inside. Again, I have no idea whether this person was really royalty or merely a scion of a wealthy family who fancied himself royalty or perhaps he was just an average joe who was delusional. It doesn’t really matter.


There was a youngish man dressed in a nightshirt standing before the fireplace. He seemed surprised to see me and moved with awkwardness. He was thin and kind of nerdy. Gawky. He reminded me of a member of the British or other monarchy who was inbred to the point of ill health. Nonetheless, there was something endearing about him. He seemed innocent, almost childlike and perhaps had lived a very sheltered life. I have no idea how long he lived or what he died of. I did know, however, that he and the knight standing outside the door were in love.


Seeing this, my presence here made more sense. As a queer man, you probably have noticed that more than a few of my excursions in the Bardo involve helping other queers. My sense is that there aren’t many people like me out there to help in the Bardo and therefore I’m somewhat in demand given the soft spot I have for people who have been abused due to their sexuality.


I could see my work here was clear: These two souls were stuck because, while they were in love, they also were unable to fully embrace the true nature of their relationship. There was a history of shame and guilt here and both of them were affected by it. Yet another example of the way homophobia warps our souls. It truly is a pernicious thing, so poisonous it even follows us after death. We torment ourselves and can get trapped in the Bardo, unable to let go and move on.


I needed to show these two guys that it was Ok to be gay and to be in love with eachother. Further, I could tell they were afraid of moving on in the Bardo because they feared being separated from each other. They didn’t seem to have been able to enjoy each other much in life and didn’t want to lose each other now that they were dead. This is why they were stuck here, unwilling to move on.


I did my best. I opened to them, showing them my experiences. I showed them that there are times and places where being gay is acceptable and you can flourish. Further, I showed them my history with Griffin. I was careful not to promise that they would never be separated but I did show them that love can persist after death. I reassured them that True Nature wasn’t capricious or cruel. If anything, it was biased toward love. I didn’t know what their souls’ fate would be but I was confident they would be satisfied with the outcome.


This seems to be what they needed to hear. The fair knight removed his helmet and armor, revealing the studly man I knew was hiding beneath. They embraced, kissing each other, happy to finally be able to do so without fear of being discovered and punished. They were extremely grateful to me and opened up their embrace, inviting me in. I enjoyed their sweet and tender touch before they stepped away and departed, continuing their journey, hand-in-hand, through the Bardo.


***


I stood in the abandoned study for a while, meditating, until I became aware of complete darkness. I realized I was standing in a darkened chamber without any source of light. Gradually, though, my eyes adjusted to the dark and I became aware of...a cat?


Well, this was a new one: A soul who was convinced he was a black cat. He appeared like an anthropomorphic cat. I won’t go into details but you can imagine. It was kind of a ridiculous form and I questioned my perception until this poor soul announced that he had been turned into a cat, a witch’s familiar. Really? Further discrimination revealed that he only thought he was a cat. I couldn’t see all of the details but here’s what I think was behind his misconception:


My guess is this guy lived somewhere in Christendom, probably during the Middle Ages when superstition was rife. Most likely this was during one of many inquisitions when women were tried as witches and many people were tortured, believed to be involved in witchcraft. I am sure more than a few homosexuals lost their lives as a result being found out and subsequently accused of satanic-influenced behavior. I’m assuming this poor man was probably tortured and killed or at least seriously abused and ostracized.


I asked him to share his memories and impressions with me and he became more human the more he opened up. I saw that he was a young man, maybe not even twenty years old. He didn’t strike me as the brightest bulb, either, which probably explains his conviction that he’d been cursed and turned into a witch’s familiar. He was rather naive and innocent, the perfect person to be taken advantage of by someone in a higher position...and then scapegoated.


As we ‘spoke,’ the room we were in gradually brightened and I realized we were in a chapel with stained glass windows. It may have been in a wealthy family’s home or part of a manor or part of a cathedral. I don’t know much about chapels but I knew we were somewhere in Europe.


Things became clearer as they brightened. This guy had been in service to a nobleman or possibly did some sort of work for a church, I’m sure. What I am sure of is that he engaged in sexual relations with at least one man and probably more. He had been coerced at first into this behavior but had discovered he enjoyed it and had developed feelings for one of the men.


This was a big part of the reason I had been called to be there. This poor guy had stayed behind partly because he thought he was cursed but also because he thought his lover was going to come for him. Well, it was clear to me that his lover had never had any intention of doing so. He’d used this guy, taken advantage of his naivete and then made him take the fall when the nature of their relationship was discovered.


I felt bad revealing that there was no one waiting for him. Not even a guide. I was it. We cried a bit together over this and I consoled him by opening myself to him. Like the previous couple, I showed him the possibility of being gay and not being ashamed. That it’s not a curse, that he wasn’t evil or wrong to feel his feelings for men. I told him that he needed to move on and continue his journey, that he didn’t need his lover to do this.


He was still hesitant and I sat with him for a while before he felt brave enough to ask if he could stay with me for a while. This is something that has happened a number of times to me, both during the past month or so and before. It seems like I attract souls into the field of my soul, probably because they realize I’m sympathetic to them. It’s like my soul’s field can share the same space with multiple other souls. At any given time, there could be a lot of souls in my field.


I gave him an enthusiastic yes and invited him inside, welcoming his soul into mine and inviting him to stay as long as he needed. Inside me, he could partake of my experiences and maybe learn something useful that he could take with him on his journey. It is a ‘service’ I’m happy to perform.


And so he came inside and we sat together in meditation for a bit before my meditation timer went off and I left the Bardo.


***


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