Showing posts from August, 2022

August 31, 2022

  The pieces of the puzzle are coming together very slowly. Yesterday’s WTF experience makes a little more sense now. The ‘gift’ that the woman bestowed wasn’t for me but for all beings, or at least all animals (maybe.) The ‘opal’ seems to have opened a new portal of experience for me, one that allows me to ‘travel’ into new realms. These realms are beyond the human ones. I now think that the gift from the woman (the white/black opal) allows me to take different forms so that I appear differently to different entities. In particular, it makes me appear as an animal of the same species when I meet non-human animals.  This morning when I meditated I met another shaman but this one wasn’t human; it was a whale (a humpback, I think.) The whale was studying me with an unreadable expression in its eye. As soon as the whale spotted me, I could feel my outward shift to that of a whale so that I’m pretty sure I appeared as a whale to him. We were underwater (of course) in a blue sea. I’ve encou

August 30, 2022

  Another meditation, another WTF moment. This morning when the eye opened, I was looking at living stone that glittered with colors of midnight blue, purple and black. I was in an archway that opened into a dark chamber. The chamber reached so high I couldn’t see the ceiling but the walls were of the same beautiful stone. There was a creature of pure blackness inside. It was immense, at least the size of a brontosaur and shaped much the same. It took me a while to realize the creature had three heads. One was the ‘dinosaur’ (actually, a serpent head but not the head of viper or poisonous snake), one was birdlike (horrific in a way, somewhat skeletal with huge, penetrating eyes and greasy feathers) and the last was mammalian (not like any one mammal, sort of a cross between a buffalo and a bear.) The bird head was most interested in me and leaned down close, its glittery eyes searching me closely. It could see inside me and I knew this was a test. If it didn’t like what it saw, I would

August 29, 2022

  Time doesn’t apply to these experiences. Sometimes, the guides or shamans I encounter are in the present, sometimes in the future and sometimes in the past…even the very distant past. This morning, I had an encounter with an early human, probably not homo sapiens nor even Neanderthal. They appeared even earlier, although apparently their ‘primitive’ development didn’t have any impact on their ability to access the Imaginal. If true, the implications are very interesting. It took me a while to figure out what was going on and I still don’t understand completely. In the end, I decided that I was being used as an intermediary, a messenger of sorts. The shaman of this early humanoid race was male and not very old but he was obviously not new at this. At first, I found myself staring into his face, more apelike than human but possessing intelligence and awareness and sensitivity. It was eerie and forced me to revise my understanding of what it means to be human. Clearly, humanity encompa

August 28. 2022

  Today, I saw intense orange and purple when the eye opened. At first, I thought I was gazing upon a jewel but soon realized it was the colors of a vivid sunset. I was standing in a conifer forest on the shores of a lake. The sky to the west was ablaze with color, turning the still water liquid crystal. I looked down and found an otter looking up at me from these limpid waters. Beside the otter was a canoe. In the canoe was an old man, a shaman. He was wearing furs and a headdress reminiscent of an otter. The otter was his spirit guide. All around us, the forest and waters were alive with spirits. This was a paradise, a spirit world filled with mystery and the realm of imagination. It was also a home, a home to these people far away from the contamination of white people. A haven. I bowed to the otter, the man and the spirits. I was humbled to be called here. I knew that it was a gift not lightly bestowed to be invited, as a white person, into this holy realm and I was profoundly grat

August 27, 2022

  The trend continues: A guide finds me, I find the one (or ones) they are looking for and then the guide takes them on their way. If it is the job of these guides to lead the souls of the dead onto their destination (wherever that might be), I don’t understand why they can’t find the souls on their own? It may be that they usually can but sometimes they need help because the soul is stuck? It does feel like I enter a different liminal space when I am led to the ‘lost’ souls. This other liminal space is related to the Absolute because depthless black is almost always involved in some way. Today while I meditated, I found myself standing on the edge of a high cliff overlooking a vast canyonland. The colors of the earth and sky were strange. The earth was sometimes banded with blue and the sky was sometimes banded with earthtones. It was like earth and sky had become mixed together; it was beautiful and also other worldly. Beside me stood a birdlike figure. He was both man and bird, skin

August 26, 2022

  I can’t say anything with certainty but it seems like these encounters are related to the so-called eye of the heart. When I am meditating, it feels like a portal–or eye–opens in my heart center and suddenly I ‘see’ things I can’t when I’m not meditating. (Or usually can’t, at least. As you know, I sometimes have these encounters when I wake from sleep in the middle of the night.) The eye is both objective and personal. It’s objective in that it would happen to anyone in my same position; i.e., one who is somewhat disidentified from the personality. Once the ego is not always the center of awareness, other things are possible. The eye is also personal in that my own personal essence is present during these experiences. Sometimes, it’s at the fore and sometimes it’s just implied. That said, it is not like I am making anything happen so I can’t claim responsibility. Who makes the decisions about what I see? I have no idea. It’s up to the Divine, I suppose. Today, the eye opened and I s

August 25, 2022

  This morning I found myself in a somewhat familiar place. A sickly green light pervaded the stone chamber and in the center was a glowing green sarcophagus. It was empty. There was something about the light that I could tell would infect anything that came in contact with it. It is like the greenish light carried a contagion within it and nothing would be spared. After a while, I realized that the chamber opened into a short tunnel that led to the ocean. I walked down it and found myself on a rocky ledge overlooking the water. Waves rolled in, deep blue with white froth. The cobalt blue and white reminded me of Griffin because, in the past, these colors have been present before I have met with him. I got briefly hopeful but there was no sign of him. After standing on the ledge watching the violent waves for a while, I spotted a figure out in the water. She was suspended over the surface of the water, walking upon it much like the story of Jesus on the Sea of Galilee. As she approache

August 24, 2022

  I think the boy is gone for good. I think my last entry, when I was sitting beside his ‘grave’ was the last experience I will have of him. It’s hard to know for sure but I’ll report back if I encounter him again. Today, I thought he had come back but then realized it wasn’t him at all. I was meditating and became aware of a particular kind of blackness, thick and cloying like tar or molasses. Two things accompanied this experience: A distinct, unique and personal presence and a lot of fear. The presence is hard to describe because it was more like a flavor at first. A man, adult this time. Fully mature, maybe in his 50’s. His ‘flavor’ was spicy (not hot spicy, more like herbal, savory) and distinctly masculine. I got the sense he was a smoker, perhaps that is why the black felt like tar. Perhaps he died or was dying of lung cancer? Of course, I’ll never know. He showed up as bearded and somewhat barrel-chested. Kind of like a lumberjack. Definitely heterosexual. (Why am I getting all

August 22, 2022

  The Universal Heart or the Divine Heart appeared this morning like a radiant lotus blossom. I know Buddhists use the lotus flower as a symbol of enlightenment. For me, it represents not only that but it also is a way the heart appears when it is opening. It blooms in the center of the chest and shines with radiance that is so breathtakingly beautiful. It serves as a beacon and is the representation of the Divine Heart. Shining through us, it is mysterious in that it is both personal and universal. Its radiance is soft but that doesn’t mean it’s weak; quite the opposite! More importantly, the Divine Heart does not belong to us, despite the fact that it shines through us; therefore, it’s outside of the ego’s purview, although the ego will certainly try to claim it as its own. At the beginning of my meditation, I found myself in the same wood as the day before. That is, the wood that was burning up around me and the boy a few days ago. Also, the same wood that appeared yesterday for us.

August 21, 2022

  This morning my meditation wasn’t great. I didn’t sleep well last night and was tired. Also, I could tell that the boy’s idealization of me had shattered and he was sulking. It was the equivalent of a teenager slamming the door to their room and staying inside. This experience is feeling more and more like parenthood to me. I received the ‘gift’ of a fully grown teenage boy who is at the height of his surly rebelliousness. He’s in the phase where adults are all idiots and yet he desperately needs me at the same time. He is utterly dependent on me, not that I have the ability to kick him out if I wanted (and I don’t.) I’ve never wanted to be a parent for the reason that I can’t stand when others are dependent on me. I’m such a narcissist and so image oriented that I can’t stand the pressure to perform as a parent because I know I will fail…spectacularly. I just don’t have it in me to handle the messiness of parent-child relationships. They’re awful. And yet that’s exactly where I am.

August 20, 2022

  Another meditation and a fresh terror. Not mine, of course. So far, I have yet to meet anything that terrifies me in my forays into the Imaginal. The terror belonged to my young friend as we met again in meditation and then proceeded to open to whatever the Divine had in store for us today. It wasn’t long before the blackness came for us, enveloping us. This time, it wasn’t the intimate blackness of the Beloved but the cold, austere blackness that I’ve heard Hameed describe as the ‘Death Space.’ I can see why it would seem terrifying because it has an endless and inescapable quality about it. It feels harsh, like you could drown in it. I’ve heard it arises for people as they are dying or maybe after they have died and it makes me wonder. Why scare the dying with this space? If you allow yourself to be shaken by it and don’t maintain your ground, it is really terrifying. And how many people have the practice of maintaining their ground? Vanishingly few in the West, at least. I was gla

August 19, 2022

  The soul of the teenage boy has stayed with me this week. On Tuesday, I could feel him strongly but he was clearly focused inward and not really aware of me. Wednesday was the same, only his presence seemed less unique and more stripped down. Thursday, I was aware (I think) of the Stupa - one of the Diamond vehicles that Hameed Ali teaches about. The Stupa arises like a temple in one’s consciousness and signifies the soul’s ability to remain unique and personal without boundaries. It’s the synthesis of the Pearl (autonomy, personal essence) and the Point (true identity free of the ego) and, to me, it appeared as a gorgeous open chamber with pearlescent floors and golden columns. It opened onto the vast, unfathomable and depthless Absolute. It is within this vehicle that the soul of the boy resides. On Thursday, he appeared as a cocoon, a softly glowing pod of gossamer threads. It felt like a gestating chamber of sorts as the boy’s soul gradually transformed. Into what, I have no idea

August 15, 2022

  I haven’t written here in a while. Things have been quiet, meaning that the so-called memories of my most recently remembered past life have ceased. They have been integrated into my soul in some way, present if I need to call upon them but not insistently emerging into my consciousness while I meditate. For a week or so, meditation was pretty quiet. My body and mind were clear, meditation was deep. I had the distinct impression that everything was present in my consciousness as potential. There was no space, no time, nothing - and everything all at the same time. It sounds wondrous and I suppose it was but it just felt like a normal state to me. Then my ego and its chronic lack of ground, due probably to my disrupted holding environment as a child. (When I’m identified with my ego, I never feel secure, never feel safe, always feel like things could go to hell at any moment - it’s quite painful and exhausting which is why I’m grateful that my ego state isn’t my usual state these days