Showing posts from December, 2022

December 27, 2022

  Another day, another teaching. Sometimes, it’s true, I don’t much care for the teachings I receive. Today was one such instance, although I can’t deny the truth of what I perceived. The parasites were back, attached and feeding on me as they were yesterday. They had changed somewhat. Rather than appearing like maggots, they looked like a weird and disturbing combination of black, shiny insects and wolf pups. As I sat and meditated, the teaching began to unfold before me whether I liked it or not. I was in essence the ‘pups’ mother and they were suckling on me as pups would upon their mother’s teats. I realized that some mothers probably do at times perceive their children as parasites, voraciously consuming their vital fluids. There was a positive and negative way of viewing the experience. On the positive side, my essence was like the life’s blood to these pups, I was learning what it was like to be a mother, something that’s not really possible in the physical world for a male…at l

December 26, 2022

  More parasites. There is something going on here with parasitic ‘demons’ that apparently I need to figure out. As you know, I take an ecological view of these entities that feed off of human (and non-human) souls. If we didn’t have mosquitos, bats and birds wouldn’t have food to eat. They are a necessary part of our ecosystem. In the Imaginal, they don’t kill - I think that death is something that only exists in the physical world. Or maybe death exists everywhere but it’s different in the Imaginal. So, parasites don’t get eaten by other entities like they do in the physical world. However, they do appear to have the ability to transform; i.e., evolve and develop. This is still just hypothetical but it’s what I’ve got so far. Anyway, this morning I was sitting and slowly became aware of three entities watching me. They were kind of creepy. One was sort of feminine, like a female vampire. One was definitely masculine - big and muscular. The other was more classical demonic. He reminde

December 25, 2022

  An interesting journey on this Christmas Day. It wasn’t Christian at all, definitely pagan, but you’ll see there were some common elements as well as some very stark differences. I was meditating and found myself in a winter wood. I was on a cliff overlooking an evergreen forest. It was night, cloudy but with a hazy moon shining through the clouds. Everything was blue, gray and silver. Very beautiful. Above: The forest god looked sort of like this, only more radiant and less threatening. The little frightened guy is most definitely not me! I found myself gliding over the wood until I alighted in a glade. Immense, straight tree trunks rose around me. It didn’t feel cold here, being sheltered from the wind. At first, I thought the silvery white light was coming from the moon but soon realized a creature was approaching me from within the wood. This creature was softly radiant. It was a giant stag, much like the God of the Forest in the Japanese anime film, Princess Mononoke . This was

December 24, 2022

  I was distracted through much of my meditation today, although I could tell that someone was trying to get my attention. In the last ten minutes of the meditation, I was finally sufficiently still inside to answer the call. I was standing in a foggy swamp. Tendrils of mist swirled around me. The air was still and heavy. The water was fetid. All around were the trunks of drowned trees. The water and air were almost the same color, a grayish blue. I am making it sound forbidding but it wasn’t. Also, it wasn’t scary. This is one of those places in the Imaginal that serve as a boundary between realms and I’ve visited many of them over the past two years. It possessed its own eerie beauty. As I stood there, a crystalline, white dragon descended and peered into my eyes. I knew this dragon; it was the same dragon that had appeared before Griffin and me almost two years ago at the beginning of these trips into the Bardo. If you go back to that journal entry, you’ll read that Griffin–horny as

December 23, 2022

  The young man from yesterday was back again this morning in my meditation. I smelled him before I saw him. His personal odor was very familiar to me. I savored it for a while, trying to figure out who he reminded me of. It was similar to the pungent, spicy odor of my first childhood friend, James. And also reminiscent of my first gay crush, Michael, when I was 18 years old. It wasn’t exactly James’ or Michael’s odor but it was close.  When the boy appeared, he looked very much like Michael Foley had when he was 19 years old. Medium height and stocky build with sandy brownish blond hair. I still have feelings for Michael after all of these years. Does one ever really get over their first love, especially when it was unrequited? The boy was appreciative for me helping to free him and his guardian from the parasitic desire demon and he really wanted to demonstrate his affection. He would have made love to me if I had allowed it. I certainly found him desirable but his presence also made

December 22, 2022

  On Saturday after my meditation during which I met up with Griffin, he remained available to me for a few hours afterwards. We had an interesting “conversation”--it really felt like a conversation even though there were no words. He had a complex mixture of emotions around our relationship ranging from deep love and delight to resentment and anger. Basically, even though he treasures me and would never wish to not be bonded with me as a soulmate, he is also suffering and hurting as a result of our union. He has never been particularly introspective and thus doesn’t have a strong motivation to do the inner work on his soul. He’s more externally focused and couldn’t really be described as intellectual. It takes him a lot longer to learn things and he feels like he weighs me down. Additionally, when we were alive together in our previous lives, he feels like he gave and gave and gave, taking on an almost traditionally feminine role in caring for me. He cared for and protected me and sho

December 17, 2022

  You can’t say that the Divine doesn’t have a sense of humor. In fact, I’d say that the Divine’s humor is downright gallows humor at times. I say that because it frequently throws situations at us that are both laughable and heartbreaking. Today’s meditation was a case in point. I have been residing in the sea queendom of the goddess I wrote about in the last entry. That was the deal: I agreed to stay and, in exchange, she let the soul of the young girl go free. So, it’s been a pretty uneventful week. I’m aware of being in the depths of the sea and being observed, critically, I might add. I get why this is happening; the goddess is curious to see what it is about me that is different, what it is that has changed since I’ve been embodied. This is part of a larger unfoldment going on among the old gods. They were watching what happens to those of us who become embodied, becoming human and mortal for a period of time. How are we different when we return? Is this a good thing? Is it worth

December 13, 2022

  Just when I thought things couldn’t get any weirder… This morning, I meditated and didn’t want to get drawn into anything but found myself called back to the same snowy cliff as the day before when I met the one I refer to as the Raven King. The cliff was the same, still snow-covered. I was still facing the Raven King’s castle on the other side of a long bridge. I could tell that he was observing me, assessing me in some way. I was standing in the midst of a rocky mountain chain. Mountains stretched on either side of me and everything was shrouded in greyish white darkness. Gradually, though, the clouds began to lighten and soon the sun broke through the far horizon. Its light revealed a vast ocean to the east. The mountains rose up from the ocean. The sunlight shone yellow and orange upon the cliffs and turned the still ocean waters liquid gold. The sun pulled me away from the cliff, transporting me to the frozen shore of the ocean. The beach was a rocky strand. The water was deep b

December 12, 2022

  This morning was more of a meeting than a journey. I was meditating when I realized someone was observing me. I was back in the forest as usual and the trees around me were illuminated by the golden light of my heart. The man observing me was clearly not human and showed up more like an elf than anything else. He was tall and stately and obviously old, although his face was unlined by age. I bowed to him and he approached me. I saw he was wearing a beautiful robe of midnight black with golden stars. Just staring at the robe was mesmerizing and it opened into a portal that took me to a wintry world. I was standing on a snowy cliff looking across a long bridge to a tall white tower. The tower was snowy white with a long, black line running up the center. Near the top was a full moon, glowing with silvery light. As I gazed out across the bridge, I realized there was a black figure standing at the base of the tower on the other side. I crossed the bridge and discovered the figure was the

December 10, 2022

  And another journey this morning during meditation. I swear that I am not seeking these out; they just find me and it seems impolite to not accept what is being offered. I was back in the Forest Primeval, this time in front of a fire…or was the glow of the fire coming from within me? It was hard to tell. Gradually, I became aware that I was being observed by two entities, male and female. They were ghostly and rather horrific to look upon, although I could tell they were benevolent. Their bodies were naked and ghostly pale. Their eyes were bulging and all white. Their bodies were aged, contorted and distorted, a parody of the human form. Their hair was shaggy and lank and completely white. I was reminded of certain Native American spirits or spirits from Japanese folklore. Again, though, they were there to help, not to frighten or harm. My habit is to welcome all entities who visit me, regardless of who they might be. This was no different. I bowed deeply to them, inviting them into

December 9. 2022

  I have spent the last several days focusing on meditation, mostly resonating with the Absolute and feeling the reaction of my ego to it and to basically everything else. This is good ‘work’ if you can call it work because it’s just letting the ego be itself and do its thing, with the overarching awareness of the Absolute/True Nature. There is something alchemical about such meditation because the ego invariably unwinds itself somewhat and there is a letting go. I was ‘doing’ that this morning when I found myself back in the Forest Primeval. It’s a very familiar place, not far removed from the pure blackness of the Absolute. Many beings inhabit the forest, including me, and it is the demesne of the being I consider the mother of my spirit, the dark mother. The forest is sort of like the Garden of Eden in that it has a paradiscal feel to it but it is also inherently toxic or corrosive to the usual human soul. One has to be stripped bare to reside there. I wonder sometimes if the origin

December 4, 2022

  I had another Imaginal journey this morning during meditation. This time, I was feeling into my impressions of Griffin while I meditated. I know I’m not supposed to do anything during meditation but he kept resurfacing in my mind no matter what I did. The impressions of him are so clear and so vivid and elicit such a potent longing in me that I find them hard to ignore. He really is the other half of my soul and, while I am complete without him, I feel his absence at the same time. It’s hard to describe because I am not constantly pining away for him (although sometimes I do), mostly I just feel his presence inside me and that’s more than enough. At times, though, the memories of him emerge with potency. Eventually, I managed to let the impressions go and simply meditated; however, at some point, I realized that I was present in the same cave where I have met up with him in the past. It is pretty distinctive. The walls are carved out by water and there is a stream running through it.