January 3, 2021

Note: This is my first entry after I being invited into the Imaginal Realm. As you can see, I struggled to figure out what the fuck was happening. It wasn't like anything I'd experienced before and nothing in the Diamond Approach work covers the Imaginal. I was a babe in the woods...

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For the past week, I have been recovering vivid memories that can only be described as from a past life. I know that sounds crazy and I still haven’t ruled out that I’m hallucinating or have a brain tumor or perhaps just fantasizing. The thing is that I know the difference between imagination and the deeper expression of reality from the Diamond Approach work. That work develops the soul in such a way that it can discriminate Essential states, vehicles and boundless dimensions. That work seems to have helped my soul to develop certain capacities and, over the past week or so, I have become more comfortable leaving the traditional/habitual orbit of ego experience and journeying with what the Ridhwan School calls Diamond Guidance.

Diamond Guidance is a vehicle that arises in the field of the soul and functions to illuminate reality in its various forms and dimensions. The ego’s counterpart would be the rational mind which can discriminate, think logically and discover the nature of physical reality. Diamond Guidance, however, functions on many more levels and is not limited simply to physical reality.


My sitting (i.e., meditation) practice has been developing very rapidly over the past several years and I have slowly developed the ability to remain silent, grounded in the depth of Being. This ability to stay grounded in my experience seems to have developed in tandem with Diamond Guidance, gradually laying the groundwork for the awakening that has been unfolding since last week.


During my last private session, my Ridhwan teacher encouraged me to let go of the rational mind and instead follow the path illuminated by Diamond Guidance. Much of the session was spent exploring why I continually gravitate to the realm of ego experience and the answer was mostly that it’s familiar and cozy and consensual, meaning that it’s territory that every other ego shares, a relational field of agreed-upon experience.


Diamond Guidance, henceforth referred to as DG, is not limited to ego experience and, if allowed, will guide the soul on a journey into deeper and more profound levels of reality and experience.


I’m not saying that what I am about to type is true. I don’t know yet and there is no way to prove it even if it is true. I do know that the experiences have a weight and heft that is beyond the realm of fantasy/imagination and seem quite real.


A week ago while I was meditating, I had an experience of simultaneously occupying the physical world and another realm that seems to equivalent to the spirit world. When I experienced this connection to the spirit realm, I had the feeling of being possessed by another spirit. This wasn’t a hostile takeover, though. Rather, it was like an awakening to the presence of a spirit that had always been a part of me, such that it was inextricably linked to my soul. This spirit and my own are like yin and yang. Mine is cool, ethereal, and tends to appear as blue or purple. The other is much bolder, hotter, and appears as orange and red. It is the spirit of a warrior--big and powerful and potent--whereas mine is more of a seer, equally as powerful just not in a physical sense. 


This spirit is the spirit of my lover in a past life, or at least that’s how he appears. 


He is definitely male and so am I, meaning we were same sex lovers in the past life. We came from a small clan that was under a threat of some sort that I haven’t understood yet. What I do know is that, in this past life, he was a few years older than I and, from the very first day of my birth, he served as my protector. I do not have any memories from this past life where he is not present. He seems to have always been there for me. As I've said, he was big, powerful and strong; a warrior. He was also very sexual and derived endless erotic pleasure from my body (after I reached sexual maturity, that is!) I did the same with him. He was everything I could ever have wanted in a lover, the true other half of my soul.


It seems that others in our clan or tribe saw this as well and, while same sex relationships certainly weren't the norm, it was not discouraged. Certain people, possibly my parents and his parents, recognized that the two of us shared an important bond. We were, I guess, what you would call soulmates. There seems to be extraordinary power in such pairings, beyond the romantic. It is a power that apparently transcends even life and death. It may also give us the ability to journey in ways that other souls cannot, or perhaps cannot do as easily.


I am still too traumatized to go into a lot of detail but this morning another portion of our story was revealed to me during meditation. I will preface it with the feeling that our bond was not only extraordinary but that our lives together were short, probably not extending beyond my teenage years. There appears to have some sort of ritual consecration of our bond during which we were effectively married and we enjoyed some blissful (and very sexual) time together before that all changed. 


I still don’t know exactly what happened. Perhaps our clan was attacked, perhaps there no attack and the next event was planned all along for reasons that I still don’t understand but I expect will be revealed at some point. The gist is that during the attack when it became clear that my clan would not survive, my lover pulled me inside a tent and held me in his arms.


And then he murdered me.


I think he killed me by stabbing me through the belly and into the heart. While I was dying, he did the same thing to himself; we died together.


There was a reason for him to do this but I don’t know what it was yet. I do know that it was an act of extreme bravery, courage and trust. I can’t imagine ever doing anything like it and I know it was by the far the most painful and difficult thing he had ever done. It must have absolutely gutted him to do this to the one person he loved more than anything else. He also would have been acting completely on faith. How would he have really known that the bond we share transcends life?


It was also incredibly selfless and a huge sacrifice because, while it had the effect of hurling my soul forward through time or at least through several layers or levels of reality, it meant that he was locked out of my consciousness for a long time. Now that I look back, I realize that he’s always been a part of me but I only had vague hints and impressions until now. It was as if I was alone, sent forward to be born into a new life while not really being able to work through the traumatic end of the last one...until now.


I understand now why I have uncovered memories of the trauma of finding myself born into my current family, feeling like an outsider and also feeling a profound sense of inner dislocation. Almost like Reality had spit me out of itself into a cold, harsh and unwelcoming new world.


Life for my young self in 1970's America was difficult, not least because this current expression of reality dominated by the Western mind is almost completely cut off from the depth and beauty and profundity of Being. It was also difficult because I was cut off from him, my one true love, and had to struggle through life with access to only one half of my soul and no one there to protect and watch over me as he had always done. 


I know, I know. This sounds completely crazy. I feel the same way and can’t believe I’m even writing it. Part of me wants to think I’m delusional but another, stronger part knows--KNOWS!--that there is a thread of truth running through all this. I expect that some or a lot of what I’m recollecting is distorted and unreliable. Some of it, though, the most important parts, does feel real. I can tell I’m not using it to prop up my identity, not using it to feel special or unique. I feel vaguely nauseous just typing it out. I wish it hadn’t happened like this. I wish it weren’t true. I wish I didn’t have to deal with these memories that both serve to fill in the gaps--lots of Aha! moments here--and break my heart at the same time.


It seems clear that I arrived here at this time for at least one specific purpose: To study the path of the Diamond Approach and develop the capacities of my soul. Beyond that, I get a hazy sense that I’m here to do more than that but what exactly has not been revealed. I do feel like more than just me has a vested interest here. I feel like other souls, perhaps those of my original clan, are depending on me. Like there is an unbroken thread connecting me back to them through time and who knows what else. 


I feel complete as a soul in a way that I haven’t before now that my true love is reunited inside me. We are two halves of one whole and the synergy of our twin spirits holds an awesome power. I feel like he is occupying every atom of me, he present through and through me. We are so deeply saturated with each other that we are essentially one. Yet he has his own agency, his own personality, his own life in a sense. He clearly possesses capacities that I lack. And he loves me deeply, profoundly and forever. He is my one true love.


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