January 5, 2021

Things have stabilized somewhat since my last entry. I spent much of Sunday and Monday moping around and feeling sorry for myself. I was depressed by the knowledge of the trauma I endured in my past life (if that’s what it was - who knows?). It seemed like such a bloody, awful end to an otherwise relatively carefree life. I was also depressed by the homophobia I endured. It wasn’t horrible but it was there. Prior to this, I’d believed that I hadn’t lived before on this earth. I preferred to think of my ‘life’ prior to this one as not in the physical realm (if I had one), cushioned in the warmth of the boundless love of True Nature. Feeling the oppression of homophobia in not one but two lives is depressing. I didn’t understand how True Nature could allow such an ugly thing to be perpetrated. This was naivete on my part because I was in denial of the reality of life as a human in most societies for most of human history: Homophobia is the norm far more often than not. It’s a painful realization, more so when one feels its bite personally over two lifetimes.

But truth is truth. I can pretend it doesn’t exist and try to ignore it but that doesn’t change the reality of it. Even if I am delusional about being born twice, the terrible legacy of homophobia throughout human history is a truth I can’t deny any longer. Sure, there were probably clans, tribes and maybe even societies that accepted their homos but these were exceptions, not the norm.

I was also sobered by the experience of my violent end. My mind could understand that my lover and soulmate committed my murder out of the depth of love but it doesn’t ameliorate the shock on reexperiencing it. The event was traumatic and caught me off guard. Plus, by the very nature of its finality (in terms of the physical life of my body, anyway), it meant that there was no opportunity to process it. It was sudden and final and I felt catapulted into a new embodiment in a vicious manner. The trauma of the end of my first life was carried forward into the next. Suddenly, it made sense why I felt so out of place in my new family of origin in northern Michigan in 1970. I did not enter this life willingly; I came kicking and screaming and very nearly died of depression when I was just four years old. 

It’s hard to admit what I’ve always felt: That I was stranger in my new family of origin. I never developed the sense of connection with my new family that I enjoyed with my first. There is no doubt that I was deeply loved and valued by my first family; it was palpable and enveloped me like a blessing. The second family in 1970 was made up of people who were so disconnected and damaged that it made it difficult to bond with them. Add in the fact that I didn’t really want to be there in the first place and you have the recipe for more trauma. To use a cliché, I was always a fish out of water in my new family. Hell, I was a fish out of water in my school, my church, my town...everywhere.

It is clear that, not only did I form a new ego identity in 1970's America, but also my soul still carried its original identity from way back when. I can see it distinctly now and things that always seemed confusing to me make sense now.

I get why I harmonized with Nature more than any religion. The spirit of Nature was closer to my original experience in my first life where access to the spirit world as experienced through Nature. This logos of the natural world/spirit world is still accessible to me, although the logos of the Diamond Approach is overarching. Prior to the last week or so, I struggled to comprehend the connection between the two logoi. Now I see that there is no contradiction or conflict between them. Both are important and both are valid. And there are many, many, many more logoi beyond these two. It’s just that, given my life(s) and experiences, these two are more dominant in my consciousness right now. That probably will change as I continue on this journey.

Gradually over the past several days, Diamond Guidance is revealing more, filling in the gaps and expanding my understanding. At first, I felt like I was being drowned in fantastical and mind-bending ways that stretched my poor rational mind to near its breaking point. It’s clear to me now that the rational mind is a construct of my ego and is aligned with the Western scientific mindset. The rational mind is focused solely on the physical world and discards anything that can’t be independently verified. And the ego world is a consensual reality; i.e., everyone around me participates in this constructed reality and behaves according to its norms. People who deviate are considered freaks, delusional, or mentally ill.

The Western rational mind is reassuring but it's also limited because of its reliance on independent verification. It discards personal experience as a product of the brain. Moving beyond this mindset is a leap of faith because it launches one into a whole new multiverse of possibility. Without the practice of the Diamond Approach and especially the development of Diamond Guidance, such a leap would be foolhardy. The soul needs to develop the capacity to transcend physical reality and that’s very difficult to do without the grounding of a spiritual practice.

I now see that the past 25 years of my life in the Diamond Approach have prepared me slowly but steadily for this launch. I don’t know if this 'new' way of experiencing Reality is permanent but it does feel significant. I feel like my soul has developed the tools to explore and journey and I trust Diamond Guidance to lead me where I need to go. (Diamond Guidance in this sense is the counterpart of the ego’s rational mind but it both includes and transcends physical reality. It does not rely on or care about independent verification because it is innately grounded in the truth of Being.)

This isn’t to say that my experience of DG (Diamond Guidance) isn’t distorted. It’s clear that my soul is a work in progress and part of this work is sharpening the focus/aligning more completely with DG. Because of this, I don’t take the revelations of my inner journeys to be the gospel truth but I can tell they are pointing me toward important truths. Over time, I suspect I will become more adept at understanding DG and my experiences will become more coherent.

I don’t put forth my knowledge of a previous life as hard fact but I do hold it lightly as a possibility. It is a possibility that points toward a greater truth, giving greater context to my soul’s journey. I am not going to get overly attached to any particular thread of this story but I am going to work on being more open to DG and expect, as I noted above, I will become more adept at it over time.

I am aware of a vastness of possibility that wasn’t part of my experience before. Now, the physical world and the world of ego have more context and make more sense. I see their potential and limitations more clearly. I understand their merit and importance. I get why most people on the planet right now are busy trying to actualize their physical lives in their physical bodies.

I also get that Reality is far bigger, far more mysterious and far more meaningful than I’ve given it credit for in the past. Was it only a week ago that I was feeling so existentially alone? Not anymore. Reality is filled with a myriad of beings who are accessible through inner journeying. Similarly, I am aware of being a member of a clan. Of having a soulmate. Of being joined in particular and important ways to other beings. What I do has impact on these beings...and vice versa.

I see now that the act of murder, that catapulted me out of one life and into another, was the only option at the time. I don’t understand the particulars yet but I do understand that my exit in that way and my bonding with my mate made it possible for all members of my clan to follow me in some way. I am linked to them and I guess the best word is that I pulled them along with me. 

It’s clear that I landed in this current life to encounter the Diamond Approach and to undergo training. My soul in its immature form needed to be worked, needed to develop its capacities. (And that work is far from done.) The Diamond Approach is a highly effective path and it shines with an almost blinding luminosity across all dimensions of reality, calling souls to it. Not all souls, just the ones that are ready for it. (And some that aren’t.)  

It’s ironic that such a path is being revealed here now because this is a time of such spiritual poverty.

All around me, I witness humans desperately trying to fill their inner desolation with physical objects and sensations that only serve to heighten and magnify their disconnection from Being. It is heartbreaking but what can I do besides bear witness to it?

Today when I meditated, I found myself in a magical place where I was reunited with my one, true love. We enjoyed a ride on a wondrous creature to a viewpoint overlooking a world of beauty. Eventually, we were joined by others in our clan. I understood that the act of violence that ended the life of my first physical body was done with utmost care, love and sacrifice. It was both a leap of faith and an act of complete trust. It boggles my mind and touches my heart in ways that are almost too overwhelming to bear. 

As I enjoyed the exquisite feeling of being held as a whole soul, infused with my beloved. He gradually shifted and changed, becoming the Beloved. I had never encountered the Beloved in such a vivid and powerful and all-encompassing and personal way. This experience of the Beloved opened my eyes to the way all logoi converge and become one. I understand that no particular logos is the absolute path. All paths are valid. Seeing the unity of all paths had the effect of rationalizing the value and importance of all logoi. I don’t need to worry about which realm, path or logos I find myself in. The importance is being open to what Diamond Guidance is trying to illuminate. That is where the teaching for my soul lies.

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