April 14, 2021

Today, I retrieved a fragment of a memory from my previous life with Griffin. I found myself standing before the mouth of a large cave from which a wide stream flowed. It was a familiar place, deep in a primeval forest. Green is the prevailing color. The tree trunks were covered in moss, lush ferns grow along the stream. Even the water was emerald green. It’s cool and misty and the cave is at the base of a rocky, wooded hill.

In the vision, I know that my beloved Griffin is inside the cave. I walk inside, wading through the shallow water, to find him standing their naked. His immense, muscular body is covered in green mud or dye. He is cold standing there but also clearly in somewhat of a trance. I am scared. I don’t want to enter the cave. I don’t want Griffin to be there and I implore him to leave. I cling to him, pressing my smaller body against his much bigger, strong one. He gently pushes me away, telling me I know what to do, that everything will be fine.

Reluctantly, I part and leave the cave, climbing to the hill over the cave to meet the ancient god I know is waiting for me. This is some sort of ceremony that I don’t understand but I know I can’t get out of. Somehow, it’s important that Griffin is in the cave below; he and I are linked and his presence both grounds me and connects me to the numinous in ways I don’t understand.

The god awaits at the top of the hill, surrounded by a circle of his minions. They have appeared before me in the past in various forms, sometimes as a pack of wolves ringing him, sometimes as guardian knights, sometimes as elves. They are always green in some way, whether it’s their fur that is tinged with lichen or their clothing/armor are green. Green and black are the prevailing colors. The forest is green and the cave is black, the rocks are black, the god is both black and green. I don’t see him clearly but I know he’s there. I kneel and bow to him. His guardians part, watching me. They are definitely not human.

The whole feeling is of wild magic that predates humanity. It doesn’t exclude mercy or compassion but those softer, human qualities are not prevalent. In the vision, I am too young to understand why I am there. I don’t know what this is about. I’m just doing what Griffin told me to do. I am afraid because of this unknown and because of the obvious non-human entities surrounding me. There is also a feeling of omen; that I am being called forth today as part of a broader ritual that governs my life in some way.

I continue to be haunted by my connection to the man I call Griffin. He never feels far away. If I thought that I was imagining the connection between us and it would gradually fade away, I was wrong...at least so far. Of course, I have no idea whether I’m just imagining this connection or if it’s real. I don’t know why it persists and even seems to grow stronger over time. I have no idea what it means. I feel like these visions I have are providing me small windows into something that may have happened to me in a past life. It’s like they are impressions stored in my soul. They can emerge now that my ego structure has loosened up and doesn’t control my experience as much.

Who knows?

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