April 28, 2021

I notice that I am receiving teaching during these ‘trips’ (well, they are pretty trippy!) to the Imaginal or whatever the eff it is. The theme of the past week or so has been seeing the divinity in everything; i.e., not splitting. Now, the Diamond Approach includes this in its teaching and it’s a focus both of various retreats and it shows up in inquiries. I haven’t experienced it so personally tailored to me, though. My tendency to split has been revealed in many inquiries over the years but it’s always shown up as personal knowledge, not a vivid, full spectrum experience involving other entities.

I’ve had numerous entities show up during my meditation sessions, meeting and acknowledging me personally and helping me to see the truth of various teachings as they pertain to me and my history and my experiences. They’ve helped me to realize just deeply I split off the ‘good’ parts of myself from the ‘bad’ ones. Not surprisingly, a lot of the so-called bad stuff has to do with my sexuality. Shame around being gay and feeling gay desire and acting on gay desire is a common thread in my experience. I’ve looked at it many, many times over the years. If my experiences of a past life is valid, then it was a theme back then, too. (The society to which I belonged didn’t exactly condone same sex love; they sort of looked the other way with Griffin and me because we were a special exception. I nonetheless felt shame about myself, my sexuality and my attraction to Griffin.)

I keep getting the explicit message that everything is divine, everything is sacred, everything is holy. That includes everything about me. The entities I meet are at pains to point this out, to welcome me into the holy--all of me, no matter what. Way back in January during my trek through the Bardo, one of the themes was that perfection isn’t required. This is an extension on this theme. These entities really want me to embrace all of me, all of my experiences and actions and urges, and perceive them as holy. It’s a lot more difficult than it sounds. I have deeply internalized shame around my so-called dark side and strive to minimize it and push it away. They are calling on me to embrace it.

In hindsight, it makes sense that my first interactions with Christian entities would be Lucifer and his sister. Also, that my first experience would be a visit to hell. Gradually, the divine in the guise of the Beloved and these other agents have been moving me to embrace the fullness of human experience, specifically my experience, as sacred.

Today, I finally broke down and allowed myself to enter the gates of heaven. (Yeah, I know - I’ve always disliked the Christian concept of heaven but, like hell, it turns out that the reality of the place is quite different than what has been handed down to us by the church.) Heaven does appear as a city of gold but it doesn’t come across as gilded or overly precious. Its gold quality comes from it serving as a bastion of holy learning or Holy Wisdom; i.e., the Truth. Therefore the golden city is not gold as a result of material wealth but of inner wisdom, loving gathered by all of its denizens.

It turns out to be a busy place, a city with a mission, an sincere and complete devotion to all that is true. This includes everything, not just what humans might regard as good. There is an awakeness, a clarity, a will and celebration of Holy Wisdom in all of its forms. It’s sort of like a giant library but its knowledge isn’t static; it’s living and alive and vibrant and ever changing and yet still always sacred wisdom.

I have a renewed appreciation for Christianity as a result of this visit. The angels, saints and apostles and holy people and Christ aren’t just sitting around, feeling pious and self-righteous. They are actively involved in the entirety of creation, loving it all and fostering its Truth however they can. There is a constant cycle of wisdom - the beings of Creation are bringing their wisdom to Heaven and those in Heaven are dispersing their wisdom to all of Creation. I’ve heard of this relationship between the so-called horizontal and vertical before but never experienced it in operation. 

It reminded me of the White City, the city I traveled through a couple times during my trip through the Bardo in January. The White City is also a bustling place, filled with souls on their journeys from death to life. That city didn’t have the sense of being devoted to a purpose like the Golden City that I am calling heaven. My guess is there are other holy cities yet to be discovered so I may revise my viewpoint. (Was hell the Black City? It sort of felt like that but, rather than active, it felt oppressive and contained, like a prison. Again, though, this oppressiveness was entirely self-inflicted by the tormented souls trapped inside; they weren’t being punished and they weren’t imprisoned. In fact, Lucifer and his helpers were actively trying to free them. Freedom, however, can’t be granted from the outside, it has to be discovered within...and that’s really hard when you believe you are bad through and through and therefore deserve to be punished and imprisoned.)

I can’t overstate how touched I was to be welcomed with open arms into the Golden City. I have fought against Christianity and felt deeply wounded and rejected by it. I’ve turned my back on it, disparaged it...and I may do so again. I’m not naive enough to believe that I’m now completely reconciled with Christianity. Nonetheless, it felt good to be not just invited in but also celebrated. I felt that everything about me was welcome there, every part of me was not just accepted but cherished. That everyone there, including Christ, wanted me to be there and were acknowledging this. I was deeply moved and still am as I let this sit within me and explore its meaning.

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