April 30, 2021

 I realize that the problem with writing about these experiences in the Imaginal is that as soon as they are put into words, they become concepts; i.e., they’re reified. To be clear, this happens before I write them down in my mind. Reification is just part of having an ego and living in the world of dualism, objects and object relations. Because they become reified, they sound kind of silly, almost two dimensional. It’s hard to convey the immanency of the experience, the depth of it and the way it touches me in a very particular way. I’m not sure what the solution is other than to say, “You had to be there.” And, “Words cannot describe the experience.”

Today, I was aware of the presence of people (ancestors?) from my alleged past life. They were keen to let me know that they were proud of me, that I was a window for them. In some way that I don’t understand, apparently I am a doorway or a window or some sort of avenue toward liberation for them. They gambled that even beyond death I would be able to help them, that somehow I was a key for their salvation. That somehow by ‘rocketing’ forward in time into this present life and doing the Work for so many years, I am still connected to them and they are transforming along with me. Like I said, I don’t understand it but it is a theme that keeps coming up.

Another theme is harmonizing with the way things are in the Imaginal rather than trying to make them fit into my desires. I find myself wanting to shape the experiences there to fit my preferred narrative but, honestly, that’s not a winning proposition. Instead, it’s better if I examine my resistance to allowing the Imaginal be just as it is without having to edit it. 

I see this in my relationship with Christianity. I have carried around a lot of baggage and hatred for Christianity. I’ve cast serious shade on it, to use a phrase popular with today’s youth. I’ve sought to minimize it, dismiss it and otherwise pretend it does not have validity. And now I’m seeing that it in fact is quite valid and does have an ontological existence. It doesn’t depend on my belief to be what it is. And, while I am seeing it’s not at all like the whitebread Christianity that was inculcated into my psyche, it does share all of the major elements. There are angels, seraphim, saints, apostles and devout souls. No matter how much I would like it to be different, it isn’t.

One of the great parts of Christianity is that queerness is baked into it. In fact, queerness is baked into all of the religious wisdoms streams I’ve tapped into. It’s interesting that the various churches and religious institutions have sought to destroy queerness when it’s really an inseparable part of their religion and has been from the beginning. I don’t understand why but there is something potent and powerful about queerness. Maybe I’ll come to understand why as time goes on and I have more experiences in the Imaginal?

So, the teaching of the Divine is tailored to my soul. There are a number of themes but basically the Divine is using these ‘trips’ to the Imaginal to illustrate and put me in touch with the twists and knots in my soul, the places that need to be enlightened, need to be brought forth and examined and understood. It does so in such a touching and personal way that it takes my breath away.

Today, I *think* Mary Magdalene visited me, although it could also have been the so-called Black Madonna. She appeared as a very powerful and regal being, steeped in mystery. I couldn’t see her face clearly but gold and black were the dominant colors. She appeared so like my friend Alison’s imagery of her that I was impressed that Alison captured her likeness so aptly. Was I simply pulling this imagery out of my imagination or was this really how she appears? It didn’t feel like it was coming from my imagination but, then again, I can’t be certain that any of these experiences aren’t being pulled out of my unconscious mind.

She seemed to simply be interested in observing me and didn’t really have any message to impart. I bowed to her and remained in her presence, allowing her to sense into me and see who I am. After a while, she seemed satisfied and moved one. Will I see her again?

At that point, the presence of a man from my former life came forward. He may have been my father or an elder or a warrior. He wanted to be sure that I knew that he embraced me just as I was, nothing excluded. He wanted to know he loved me and was proud of me. Hje even celebrated my queerness and my relationship with Griffin. He seemed to sense that the full-throated, full-hearted support of ostensibly heterosexual men is need in my soul. I have never or very rarely ever had a straight guy tell me such things and usually feel like I have to hide who I am from straight guys to make myself palatable and acceptable to them. It’s extremely touching to be fully embraced and accepted for my queerness by a straight guy and he happily did this.

You can see how I’m finding these excursions into the imaginal so provocative and moving. It feels like the Beloved is touching me in all of the sorest places, intent on healing the old wounds that reside in the fabric of my soul. In the Diamond Approach, I spent years being healed of the scars in my ego structure (which is nonetheless part of my soul) and now it’s my broader soul that is being healed. It’s such a mysterious process but one that I’m enjoying immensely.


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