August 8, 2021

 Another day, another recovered memory fragment. Actually, a recovered impression is probably closer to the truth. The information revealed is symbolic more than factual, although that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s fictitious. I honestly don’t know what to think about it. If it’s to be believed, this impression is from my past life. It always takes me a while to figure out what’s happening during these things because it’s not obvious. Only after the full thing is revealed can I piece it together. Even then, it’s very likely that my understanding is distorted. Such is the nature of recovering ‘memories’ from past lives - they are perhaps even less reliable than our memories in this life.

The nature of this impression makes me wonder if I was epileptic in this past life. It seems like I would be going along in the ‘real world’ and then suddenly move into the spirit realm. This didn’t necessarily correlate to being in a trance or participating in ritual. I’m so thoroughly indoctrinated into the Western scientific mindset that it’s hard to understand what it would be like to live in a culture that didn’t stigmatize people who had visions or naturally assume they were crazy. Apparently, my visions were taken seriously, although it’s not clear how seriously. They certainly were overwhelming to a small child and therefore could be traumatic. It’s only now in this life that I feel like I’ve developed the capacity to be with them and unwind the trauma. Or maybe I’m the one who is crazy right here, right now?


In the impression, I am with Griffin. It is winter. It is cold and snowy but we’re dressed warmly in animal skins. Griffin is so big next to me, I guess that I’m only eight or nine years old at this point. He towers beside me, as big and strong as an ox. He is in a merry mood, mostly because I can tell he loves being alone with me. I love being alone with him, too. The snow isn’t that deep but it’s a hindrance for me because my legs are short compared to Griffin’s. He laughs and teases me for being so small.


We are tracking something. It’s possible that Griffin shot a deer and we are following the trail of blood. There is no worry that we won’t find our quarry, though. We’re in a rocky area with few places to hide. It’s just a matter of patiently following. Soon, we will have meat.


The trail leads to a sort of cave. It’s not dark, though. It’s more like an opening in the rocks with no roof overhead. As soon as we enter, though, we are separated from each other. The rock faces are smooth with ice or maybe the stone is quartz. It reminds me of Merlin’s crystal cave because it’s light being in a hall of mirrors. I can’t find Griffin and I’m afraid.


I stumble upon the wounded doe and kneel in the snow next to her, pulling out a small knife. I slit her throat to put her out of her misery but when I do, I realize it’s not a doe at all but a woman. (This is the start of the vision, obviously.) It hurts me to see her in pain and to realize that I’ve caused her death.


I cry out, trying to apologize but already I can feel my spirit ascending as the vision takes hold. I am rising up over the frozen, snowy land. It is shrouded in mist and white and is very beautiful. I am crying. Eventually, I find myself in another realm that reminds me of Asgard. I’m guessing that my previous self was of Germanic, tribal origin and therefore his vision of the divine would involve the Aesir and the Vanir.


I meet a very big and terrifying male god (Odin?) who is furious with me for slaying one of his own and also for being in this place. He wants to cast me out again but instead I flee. I run into a dark cave where I meet another deity, this one dark and frightening, although she is not hostile to me. If anything, she is kind. She appears in the blackness to be spinning a black tapestry like a web and she seems both like a woman and a spider. 


At this point, this other me is freaking out, completely beside himself with fear and basically checked out because he’s so overwhelmed. The woman turns to him but I can tell she is looking at me in the present time. When she speaks, she is speaking to me.

 

She says something like, “Don’t be afraid. You will know what to do when it’s time to do it. You can heal yourself (meaning the ‘old’ me, the young child) and it will all be well.” I feel time looping in on itself, bringing the future me into contact with this past me. I feel this future me reaching out to this earlier me and reassuring him, holding him. I wrap my arms around him and enfold him as I open to the blackness of the web, allowing ourselves to dissolve into it. I remember how much I love the black, how at home I feel there, how it is nothing to be afraid of.


This seems to have a healing effect on this younger version of me from a life god knows how many hundreds of years ago. It feels like it’s possible to simultaneously present in both lives and to affect both lives, healing past traumas and bringing peace. When I reflect on the memories I’ve collected of this past life, it’s clear that it was a difficult one. There was so much thrown at me in such a short amount of time with such intensity. And then I was dead and being catapulted forward in time to be reborn into a dysfunctional family. I was a very tender, sensitive soul and the trauma I brought with me from my past life was multiplied by new trauma. 


The looping nature of time, though, offers a glimpse at how this trauma can be healed. It’s possible for our future self to hold and comfort and heal our past self, thereby addressing and rectifying the trauma and allowing the soul to not only be restored but also develop into a whole new thing. 


As I mentioned at the beginning of this entry, I still have no idea what to make of these visions. I would like to disregard them but they keep coming, revealing a more complete picture. The picture that is revealed is unbelievable and incredible. It doesn’t seem like it is possible. And yet it has a coherency and what’s more, I can feel it ‘click’ inside. Each time more is revealed, I feel a sense of confidence inside. It’s like the pieces I’m recovering are making me whole in a way I didn’t think possible. They cement together with definiteness and, while my mind struggles to discredit them, inwardly they ring with truth.


I still don’t understand what this all means but some themes are emerging:


  • I didn’t live long back then, dying in late adolescence at the latest.

  • I was ‘gifted’ with visions in that life and dedicated to the service of an old god.

  • Griffin was my steadfast companion, protector, nurturer.

  • I’m still connected intimately with Griffin. His presence helps ground my presence. We’re complementary in almost every way, he’s yang and I’m yin, he’s light and I’m dark, he’s physical and I’m spiritual.

  • I was ‘sent’ here to this current incarnation to grow and mature; my soul needed a lot of growth and maturation to be able to handle the task of moving between the physical and spiritual worlds.

  • I think it was on purpose that Griffin wasn’t here physically with me in this life because we both needed to learn how to live without the other, although we are never truly apart.

  • The old god that I was dedicated to was the god of life and death so it makes sense that I keep encountering the souls of the dead. It’s also clear that Griffin anchors us in life and I anchor us in death. Between the two of us, we are grounded firmly in the fullness of reality.

  • I feel incredibly dorky writing these words. I can believe I’m even typing them. What is wrong with me? Am I crazy? Deluded? Effed up? All three?

Ugh.


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