January 9, 2021

Hunger.

I have always mocked people who claim to recover memories of past lives because invariably their recollections are corny. (I’m not exempting my own recovered memories from this - they are certainly kind of corny, depending on your view.) People invariably remember being royalty or at least rich and important. I mean, come on! Throughout human history, the vast majority of people have been poor or at least of limited means. Are only the rich reincarnated? The memories I am recovering do not paint a picture of someone who was wealthy, powerful or even notable in the traditional sense. I was anything but!


It seems like each day when I meditate, Diamond Guidance is revealing new pieces of the puzzle of my past life. Often as you will note from the entries in this journal, the memories are pretty extraordinary, if not downright unbelievable. (I feel the same way - I struggle to comprehend much less believe in the content revealed.)


But usually there is another piece revealed on subsequent days that is not so rosy. Case in point was the recovering of the memory of being murdered. Also, realizing that homophobia has trailed me through more than just this lifetime.


Today, more was revealed: Hunger and poverty both shaped my previous life in significant ways. I recalled today how hunger was nearly a constant companion. Also, having almost nothing. Life was difficult for the most part for me and my small clan that was teetering on the edge of extinction when I was born into it. Realizing how literally dirt poor I was provided a sobering counterbalance to the lofty and numinous recollections of previous days. Life was hard and short. There was definitely love and richness in many ways but physical resources were scarce and we were stalked by hunger. 


I wonder how common hunger and deprivation have been in the history of humans? I think more than we realize in this time of artificial plenty. Right now in my current life, even though I am solidly middle class (maybe even upper middle class), I would have been considered stupendously wealthy at most other times and places in human history. I have never gone hungry. I have never done without. I have always had enough, more than enough even. 


This was not so in my previous existence.


I wonder how much of this scarcity mentality I brought with me into my present life? I have always blamed my mother for my irrational worry about having enough to get by. That and the fact that both my parents were children of the Great Depression. But what if that wasn’t all? What if I came into this life predisposed toward worry about having enough resources to survive? It can’t be discarded as a possibility and looking back over my history I can see threads that might lead back to before I was born in 1970 in Northern Michigan.


So, I am feeling grateful for Griffin and his constant companionship, his deep and abiding love, his support, his bravery and steadfastness, willingness to sacrifice everything for me. And I am feeling grateful for these visions. Maybe the best word to describe me is seer? I certainly ‘see’ a lot more than my physical senses provide. For what purpose? That is a question that I hope will be revealed but it may be a while and I may never really know.


I am feeling tired and sad, too. Life was such a struggle and there was so much difficulty and trauma! This definitely adds more than a little tinge of reality to the soaring visions I’ve encountered this week. It leaves me wondering about True Nature and humanity. Why is life so hard for so many of us? Why has this been the case for so long and looks to the case going forward? Even taking away the cruelty inflicted on our own kind, there is the ambivalence of nature toward our plight. Nature is capricious and cruel in its own right. As much as I would like to, I can’t make it cozy and friendly and anthropomorphic. 


This knowledge seems related to what I wrote about yesterday, although I’m not yet seeing everything. There is clearly more to be revealed but right now I’m tired and need a break! I can only take so much heavy reality at one time. It takes time to digest and understand it. Will a more hopeful view emerge in the coming days?


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