March 11, 2022

 I’m in a weird space. I haven’t had any further forays into the Imaginal but that doesn’t mean that I’m not experiencing strange feelings. Something feels like it has shifted inside me and I can’t put my finger on it. Is it because of the insanity going on in Europe with the invasion of Ukraine and a sense of looming doom? Is it because I’m at middle age now and feeling like the pathway of my life is narrowing toward the final days in this body on this Earth? It’s possible that some nuclear catastrophe could pretty much end life as we know it at any moment. This feels more possible now than it did back in the Seventies and Eighties.

Inside, I feel an emptiness where there was once something. That something is a coziness that feels soporific, like a warm blanket. It’s soft and hazy, making me think of the Central Object Relation, the internalization of mother. Could it have loosened up? The COR is important because it lends stability to the ego, providing the core around which the ego is based. The child has to internalize the mothering one in order to feel confident about separating from the real mother and going out into the world. We don’t ever lose the COR unless we engage deeply in spiritual work. Have I turned a corner and let loose of the COR? I certainly don’t feel cozy or safe in that hazy way but I don’t feel neurotic, either. I’m not having panic attacks and don’t feel a sense of anxiety.

I do feel an alien sense, though. Like I am treading on new ground, ground that is unfamiliar to my ego but feels strangely familiar to a deeper part of me. This deeper part does not fear the death of the body but knows itself to be something beyond the body, beyond the ego. It feels eternal and mysterious. And it’s in contact with other realms, realms beyond the physical world. My superego beats me for this and I doubt my sanity. But I’ve been doubting my sanity for over a year now and still the deep sense of knowing persists. It’s always there, this feeling of my soul being connected simultaneously to other realms, living in other places at the same time that I’m living here.

There is nothing in the Western world that can provide a map for me. This is why it feels so alien. I’m treading territory beyond Diamond Heart or any spiritual school I know of. It’s certainly possible that there are teachings that cover this experience but I’m not aware of them. I feel both alone and not alone. Alone because there is no one I know who would understand my experience. I can’t share it with anyone. And yet I’m not alone because I feel connected inside myself with others. With Griffin, with Apis, with the God of Life and Death…among others.

You can see why this makes me question my sanity. If I went around telling people about my experiences, they would think I’m crazy. I wish I could write them off as hallucinations or fantasies but the thing is there is a deep sense of truth to them. Oh, I don’t mean literal truth because the experiences are symbolic. The truth of the symbols, though, feels real, does not feel like a fantasy. When I have fantasies, they inevitably evaporate after a while. I have to exert effort to keep them alive. This inner knowing is always there without my having to justify it or try to prove that it’s right. It just is.

But the truths it reveals are so fantastic, so far beyond anything in my experience, that I simply can’t believe them to be true. To do so would throw my worldview on its head and lend credence to so many myths and legends that I’ve rejected as being fallacy. Maybe tonight, though, I’ll just entertain the possibility that what I ‘know’ isn’t made up? Maybe I’ll just write it down without judgment or trying to explain it away?

So, the feeling tells me that, on some level at least, there is a war between the dark and light. There, I’ve written it. I hate doing so because it sounds so dumb. I mean, really? A war between dark and light? I’ve spent my whole life making fun of the superstitious Christians for their obsession with good and evil. And I’m not prepared to give in just yet.

Still, I’m just going to entertain the thought for now. The human soul can mature until it no longer is tethered to the ego. It can change, morph, transform. It can become pretty much anything, go anywhere, know anything. Most importantly, though, this transformation is linked to knowing yourself as a child of the Divine, a child of Light. You know that your soul is Divine, is the light of the Divine shining forth into creation.

Very few souls reach this maturity. When they do, they become emissaries of the Divine. Their mission is to bring the Light of the Divine to the dark corners, shining light into the dark, making friends with the darkness, embracing it, loving it. Only that way does the darkness transform, only that way can it begin to know itself as Divine as well.

So, the war between Light and Dark, I think, is one-sided. It’s not like the Light is hunting down the darkness to destroy it and punish the evil doers. It’s more mysterious and beautiful than that. The Light loves the darkness, the Light sees the Divine in the darkness, the Light knows the darkness is the Divine as well. This recognition of the darkness as Divine is transformational.

What I am struggling to understand is what I’ve been witnessing; namely, that the Light can become corrupted. One would think that this couldn’t be possible but I guess I’ve already answered how it is possible: A human soul that recognizes its nature as Divine cannot be corrupted…but it’s a long, difficult journey to get to that point. If a soul doesn’t know its source and doesn’t recognize itself as the Source, then things can go awry. A soul can become endarkened probably more easily than becoming enlightened. 

This doesn’t surprise me. I mean, I’ve seen this happen. History is replete with people who started out relatively benign and became increasingly malign. I don’t like to acknowledge this but it’s true. More often, though, people just don’t really grow. Their soul stays stuck in a certain pattern and then they die. This is the most common thing, I think, especially in the West where we’re so in love with material things and have almost no interest in our souls. Most people probably don’t even think about their souls or believe they have them. Their egos develop and mature and then they live their lives believing only the physical world and their appetites are important. Life becomes a game of satisfying instinctual drives. And then they die and find themselves surprised by everything they’ve missed. By then, it’s too late and they probably just get reincarnated. With luck, at some point in their journey, they become interested in developing their soul. It’s hard to tell - I don’t know how many people get reincarnated and how many just simply fold back into the Divine.

What has surprised me is the apparent existence of guardian angels. These entities seem to be paired with human souls and their development is tied to the soul’s development. So, if the human doesn’t really develop, they don’t, either. If the human does development, the angel grows purer, more powerful. Conversely, if the human devolves and become wicked, the angel rejects its divine nature and falls from grace, becoming a fallen angel or a demon.

(God, I can’t believe I just wrote that. It makes me grit my teeth to write it because I really, really, really don’t want it to be true. It also just sounds really dorky.)

In my case, my soul is bonded with Griffin’s. He’s my soulmate and our souls occupy the same space, being inseparable from each other. Our souls might be inseparable but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t a chasm between us. I don’t know where he is - I think he’s alive and embodied right now somewhere but whether that’s in this world or another, I don’t know. I also don’t think he’s very interested in spiritual work. He’s such a lusty, physical guy full of appetites that I find it hard to believe that he would be engaged in spiritual work. Because of this, he’s mostly asleep to me. I think a year or so ago, when I had my awakening, it also awakened him to some extent but, while I’ve stayed mostly awake, he seems to have fallen back to sleep. So, even though our souls are united, they still have their own individual journeys. Being bonded, being soulmates does have its perks, though. The bond sort of supercharges our souls, giving them double the lifeforce, double the power, double the love, double the strength…maybe even more than double. Who knows? It’s also a really reassuring bond, making me feel like I’m never truly alone. Griffin is always right here with me even if he doesn’t know it.

And then there’s Apis. Apis isn’t really the Egyptian god, Apis, but he appears in my consciousness sometimes like a blue minotaur. He’s also always with me. Is he my guardian angel? It’s hard to say because he doesn’t seem very angelic. He’s not ethereal, doesn’t have wings, certainly doesn’t strum a harp. He is, however, powerful and he intercedes on my behalf when I get into difficult situations. It’s like he’s always there, always ready to defend me. He’s not human like Griffin. How do I know? His love is different. Griffin’s love is visceral, full bodied, carnal. Apis’ love is unlike any love I’ve known. I guess you could call it angelic love, although I don’t know if he really is an angel. His love is so pure it feels remote. There isn’t the lusty fire of Griffin’s love or even the warmth of usual human love. It’s so subtle that it’s possible to miss it. It’s on a different wavelength, one that I’m not as attuned to. I know it by his actions; like I just wrote, he’s always there for me, always ready to protect and defend me. And I feel complete trust in him.

And what of the God of Life and Death? This is the god who chose me as an avatar in my previous life. Why me? I still have no clue. He’s a lot like Apis, although even more remote. He’s ancient, beyond this world and yet so basic to this world. He doesn’t have human emotions, human connections. He doesn’t really even particularly care about people. He didn’t pick me because I was a human, he picked me because he recognized an affinity in me. I have an affinity for balance between life and death, between black and white, between good and evil, between yin and yang. Or maybe it’s more precise to say he picked Griffin/me since we are one. Griffin and I are like yin and yang. I’m yin, he’s yang. I tilt toward night and he toward day.

There is something about being able to see in the dark. Something about having an affinity for darkness that feels important. I am drawn toward the black of the Absolute, recognizing its depthless blackness as the source of all. It is the Beloved, the hidden face of the Divine. I am drawn to it; it exerts an inexorable pull on my soul. And I love it.

Is this why I was chosen?

This path I’m on leads into darkness. It is a lonely path, fraught and filled with peril. It is taking me into some very terrible places. I’ve seen some pretty awful things. And yet I’m unafraid and it would never occur to me not to listen, not to follow. Which isn’t to say that I’m not confused or that I don’t doubt. Hell, I doubt like crazy. None of this that I’ve written tonight comports with my life in the physical, Western world. Yet I can feel the gravitational pull toward the darkness, the life-giving dark, the Beloved, the misunderstood. I can feel the pull to witness the darkness, to love it, to open to it, to welcome it and to behold the Divine. 

This pull of mine has an impact. There are so many who are lost, trapped in the darkness. I encounter them when I open to the darkness. They are drawn to me in the darkness. I am like a beacon to them. Some of them want to harm me, some want to be rescued, some are just tired, some are scared. I can feel my heart respond to them. It opens to them. It calls to them. I welcome them. This is my gift. This is what I do. It is an expression of my deep, passionate love for the Divine.

And it’s completely invisible to everyone in my life and could all just be in my head. If it’s in my head, though, why do I feel the knowing of it in my bones?


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