March 15, 2022

 Bearing in mind that pretty much every one of these entries is loony enough to get me institutionalized, I’m just going to blaze ahead and seal my reputation forever as crazy. 


Throughout my experiences in the Imaginal, elves have been a recurring theme. I feel connected to a band of elves who usually appear dressed in green clothing and apparently reside in the forest. So, forest elves. I feel a kinship with them like they are my clan. There is an ancient feeling to the connection like it is beyond time. I know the stories of elves being immortal but immortal feels like the wrong word. These elves live outside of time or in a place where time runs differently than it does here, making them timeless. 


I’ve written about the multiple realms I’ve visited in the Imaginal. Some are Christian, some pagan, some indigenous. I appear differently depending on which realm I’m in but my essential nature is always the same. But about that essential nature…the soul changes constantly, that’s a given. But it also evolves. In order to evolve, it requires conscious engagement. We have to apply our will, we have to set our intention or the soul will not evolve.


This is nothing new. Every spiritual school talks about this. What I’m seeing is the story of my own soul is complex and stretches far back. I think we need to rethink what a human soul is because the answer might be that there is no such thing as a human soul. In other words, being human is but one expression of our soul. Our soul can have many different expressions, can exist simultaneously in different realms as different things. My soul has affinity with the elves, it also has affinity with nature, with angels and demons and with other cultures. Each of these reflects something different about my soul. There is no one expression that is true and yet all are true.


One explanation is that the soul takes on the form that is needed. Another is that throughout the soul’s development, it can be many things and it’s possible for the soul to be all things at once or one aspect may be explicit while the others are implicit. Also, it appears that the soul can decide to evolve. It can see where it lacks development and takes steps. Or maybe the process of evolution is more orchestrated and a soul doesn’t really decide anything, the evolutionary process is dictated by the Divine. Not there is an isolated god somewhere out there pulling the strings but rather that evolution is a mysterious process that follows a progression whose direction and timing is opaque to the individual soul. 


Did I decide to become human? Did I decide to be born into a physical body? Twice? (Or maybe more than twice?) Did I exist as an entity in a different realm before becoming human? I don’t have concrete answers, just a deep knowing that seems to be showing me things I may have temporarily forgotten but that can never be completely lost.


From my entry on March 12, you can see that I’ve been feeling a bit out of sorts, a bit forlorn. I could tell that something has shifted because my experience of being present in other realms continues throughout the day, not just when I’m meditating. At the same time, nothing was really happening and I felt closed off. When I was meditating, I could tell that my heart was closed, mostly out of fear. I was reacting to this ‘new’ reality, the realization that things are just as messed up in the Imaginal as in the physical world. Oh, sure, I know there is an ultimate ground of Being that is perfect and good and where the soul can rest in Divine love. Still, even if the soul is present in this ‘place’ of Divine love, it’s simultaneously present in other realms that may be filled with suffering, terror, horror and difficulty. The magnitude of the ‘problem’ of suffering is enormous and overwhelming. It’s easy to shut down in the face of it and that’s what I did. For a little while at least.


True Nature has a way of breaking through impasses, though.


It comes for you when you need it most, soothing your wounds, opening your heart and presenting you with more ‘information’ to add depth and context to your limited understanding. It always happens, although it may take some time.


So, I was feeling sorry for myself yesterday while I meditated when Griffin showed up. He has a way of doing that when I need him most, reminding me of our bond, that I belong to him and he to me and that nothing will ever change that. His presence feels welded to mine and is always there but his presence can seem more or less explicit. I don't know where he is, what he’s doing or when I’ll ever meet him in physical form again. Even though I’m connected to him, I still miss him. Part of me will always be his boy and will always long for his touch, hug, kiss…


Having intimate contact with Griffin helped a bit yesterday and I felt perkier the rest of the day. At some point, I came across this article and found it resonated with my own experience. The main difference, the thing I object to, is using journeying to ask for something. In my experience, it is not my place to ask for anything. Simply being invited to a place is a gift and I cherish it. It seems both rude and selfish to use these experiences to enhance oneself. Instead, it’s about being available. Still, it did make me wonder if I should at least make an explicit offer to help, something, “Show me where I’m needed,” or some such. Even that feels wrong somehow, though. Even that feels narcissistic. It’s like assuming that I will know best what to do when that really has never been the case.


With mixed feelings I sat down today and meditated, asking where I was needed. The answer came almost immediately in the form of a blessing. If I could give it voice, the answer was, “Just be. The greatest you can give is simply being.” I found this answer deeply touching and reassuring; it echoed what I already knew but I guess I needed to hear it explicitly.


As I sat, I was once again in the same place I’ve been for the last several weeks. I’m always sitting in a cavern. It’s not dark; there is light coming in from holes in the ceiling nearby. It’s dry inside and there are dried leaves rustling on the floor. The rock is worn, probably by water, and it’s moss-covered. It’s cozy as caves go.


I sat just like I have for the past several weeks, focusing on non-doing. I’m just sitting and meditating. I may be in another realm but I’m still just meditating. It feels right. And my heart feels more open. I think this is key because it shows I’m relaxing into the experience, not closing myself off quite as much. If the heart is closed, I’ve learned that nothing really happens. This applies in the Imaginal as well as the physical.


At some point, I realize I’m meditating in front of a cave. The cave is black and that blackness is another sign. As you know from reading these entries, blackness is invariably an invitation. Instinctively I know when black appears that I’m meant to be there. I’m meant to reach out to it.


I do.


I reach out.


I invite the blackness to merge with me. I become the blackness and feel the deep union with the Beloved in that beautifully annihilating place. There is a deliciousness in dissolving, in ceasing to be and so much love. I can’t say I’m completely comfortable with the blackness but my attraction to it outweighs my fear of it.


Of course, I know that there is something inside the blackness waiting for me, probably several somethings.


My initial impression is that I’m sitting in front of a bear cave because one of the entities inside felt immense and powerful like a bear. It turns out that this wasn’t far from the truth, especially when you consider that bears are attracted to honey. Keep reading to find out why I say this.


The first thing I encounter after the wave of blackness dissipates surprises both me and him: He’s an elf but not one I’ve encountered before. He appears simultaneously as humanoid, insectoid and floroid (if that’s a word). He’s armed both with weapons and a stinger but more than that he emanates golden honey. I know he’s a honey keeper or honey bearer. More precisely, he’s a guardian of the gold honey of wisdom. He looks like a warrior armored like a bee or wasp, lithe and deadly. Yet, he’s also a flower, a purple flower blooms from his chest if I look at him out of the corner of my eye. And he glows with the golden color of honey. 


It’s a strange triad, a strange oneness. I am reminded of the Sarmoung Brotherhood, only this brotherhood is of elves. They are honey keepers, protectors of Divine wisdom.


The question is: Why was he here? It didn’t make sense and still doesn’t, although it may become clearer with time.


He was just as surprised as I was. I have no idea how long he’d been trapped in the blackness but it could have been a very long time. He was clearly proud and looked down on me, a lowly wood elf clad in green rags compared to his golden armor. He had no idea how I could have had a hand in freeing him but fortunately his pride didn’t get the better of him and instead he was curious. This is where I think there is something important my soul has learned by being embodied. It has changed in some way, become more than it was before through some mysterious alchemy. So, a lowly wood elf can grow, can change, can transmute. And yet still retain his humility.


There wasn’t anything to do but continue meditating. The warrior elf stayed with me, observing me and watching what was happening. I knew there wasn’t something else in the blackness besides the warrior, otherwise the warrior would never have been trapped in the first place. I soon saw what it was: A cadaver. A body of a man, I think, although it might not be a human. And, even though his body was grey-green and in a state of decomposition, he wasn’t really dead, although I could tell he believed he was. In these cases, it can take a while before the entity realizes it’s not dead. There was nothing to do but to sit.


A shroud covered his midsection but his arms, chest and legs were bare. His head was covered in stringy white hair. His body was somewhat desiccated like a corpse that has been dead for a while. I was reminded in some ways of the resurrection of Christ when Mary visits his gravesite and finds the stone rolled away. I believe she had entered the tomb to wash down his body but I may have the story wrong. I don’t think this guy was divine like Christ but I could be wrong. It’s probably not a coincidence that that story came to mind. I’m curious how he trapped one of the honey keepers. What is his story? Is there more to it? Will I learn it? I don’t know because my meditation ended and he never awoke his deathlike slumber.


To be continued…maybe!


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