July 14, 2022

 He crossed the threshold this morning.

Hecate, or at least the entity who seems like her, appeared during my meditation today, opening a doorway onto the other side. The doorway was into blackness, a familiar place that I’ve visited many times. When I tried to cross over the threshold, though, she stopped me, telling me that he–the past life that I’ve been aware of for a while now–needed to take the steps himself. I looked through the doorway. On my side, it was filled with golden light and, on the other, it was pure darkness. This was his self-imposed prison, the place of his fitful dreaming and waking nightmares. The place he exiled himself after death.

It’s a place I know because it was the place I visited after crossing the bardo. Some call it hell. And it’s where I met the entity that I think was probably Lucifer. The caretaker of that place, the one who assists the damned in their journey, coaxing them toward release and freedom. It’s a dark and cold place but not frightening or evil. The ones who live there in their self-imposed prisons might have done evil things but the ‘place’ itself is not evil, being so close to the beauty and power and freedom of the Absolute. So close and yet it may as well be a million miles away for those imprisoned therein.

This part of me, this other life, had been there for a long time. I’ve only become aware of him recently, although I recognize his influence over my entire life. And his frozen prison exists within my own soul body. How could I not be aware of him? When half of your heart is frozen, one tends to notice.

Two things happened then at the same time. He appeared, standing before me at the entrance, this boundary between life and death, existence and nonexistence, light and dark. At the same time, Hecate transformed, revealing herself as her counterpart in this past life’s religion. Prior to this, she had appeared much like I saw her a couple of nights ago - a powerful being with a distinct flavor of earthy wholesomeness. Rich, warm, mysterious, human and animal and something else, something more, so much more, all at once. Now, she appeared differently. I’m woefully ignorant of world religious traditions so to me her outward appearance seemed unfamiliar, although I recognized her as the same being. Her black hair was done up in a complicated headdress. Her garb was both elegant and earthy, seemingly made of animal skins. Spotted leopard, lion…I don’t know.

He recognized her, though. (I have yet to come up with a suitable name for him.) And was rendered awestruck by her presence. She told me to stand back as she extorted him to make up his mind and cross the threshold, telling him the time had finally come. He’s an odd guy, very different from me and Lucas (and Griffin.) Filled with self-loathing and reticence, he didn’t want to budge. No amount of love pouring forth from me, welcoming him, made any difference. At least right now, he’s pretty much impervious to love. Duty, however, is important. And he’s devout. Meeting his goddess had a profound effect on him and he finally took a hesitant step across the threshold into my open arms.

He was skeletal, wasted. His skin was blue/white and half rotten. He was basically a walking corpse after so long in his own private hell. Still, when I took him in my arms, he changed, filled out, became human again. Whole. He’s smaller than I am but strong. He is stoic, rigid, resistant to charm and softness. Yet even he was moved by the experience, by meeting me, by walking stiffly into the golden light. He barely showed any emotion and yet I could feel his frozen heart begin to live, to breathe. He’s still mostly frozen and probably will remain so for a long time. But at least now he’s here.

I invited him to take over my soul body, telling him he could ‘drive’ - handing him the keys. He allowed himself to fill out, to expand into the corners of my being. He met Griffin and Lucas. He allowed himself to be for the first time in so long. He is dark. His essence tilts toward blackness, he has a mordant sense of humor, he is powerful. His power scares him, probably because he abused it when he was alive and has been ‘living’ with the consequences of that abuse ever since. I still have no idea what he did or why he feels so guilty but perhaps now I will find out?


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