August 15, 2022

 I haven’t written here in a while. Things have been quiet, meaning that the so-called memories of my most recently remembered past life have ceased. They have been integrated into my soul in some way, present if I need to call upon them but not insistently emerging into my consciousness while I meditate.

For a week or so, meditation was pretty quiet. My body and mind were clear, meditation was deep. I had the distinct impression that everything was present in my consciousness as potential. There was no space, no time, nothing - and everything all at the same time. It sounds wondrous and I suppose it was but it just felt like a normal state to me.

Then my ego and its chronic lack of ground, due probably to my disrupted holding environment as a child. (When I’m identified with my ego, I never feel secure, never feel safe, always feel like things could go to hell at any moment - it’s quite painful and exhausting which is why I’m grateful that my ego state isn’t my usual state these days.) My superego was engaged and I felt vulnerable.

Just to show you how little I understand about my soul, I assumed that the reason for my ego being so central in my experience had something to do with me personally. I mean, that would seem logical, right? And maybe it was a sympathetic response.

I need to backtrack here and talk about a recent inquiry in which a misunderstanding about bodhisattvas was cleared up. I’ve always had this belief that the bodhisattvas were “out there” roaming around, looking for people/lost souls to help. Well, this was a gross oversimplification of what ‘they’ do. I understand now that bodhisattvas don’t do anything per se, they simply are. They are Being. Their soul has developed into a vehicle of sorts and serves as a portal and a beacon. 

Further, their soul isn’t just a portal, isn’t just a stream of consciousness, isn’t just a localization of experience. Their souls have transformed into something that transcends space and time and location and can not only open to any realm but can remain intact in whatever realm they find themselves in. This is why they are capable of assisting lost souls. There is no space so they are comergent with everything and anything. And, because of their soul’s integrity, they can ‘travel’ anywhere.

This morning, I was meditating and aware of my ego and its chronic lack of ground, just allowing it to be there and not doing anything about it. In hindsight, I think my ego’s reaction was sort of brought on by the impending ‘visitation.’ I mean, it kind of makes sense that my survival fears would be triggered by the approach of the soul of a deceased person. At some point, I became aware of another presence. This presence was all black. It exuded black ‘smoke’ and possessed a strong aura of death. As I always do, I bowed to it, not sure why it was here or even if I was imagining it. 

I’m still not sure exactly what it was. Was it a guide or some sort? Despite its black and kind of menacing form, it wasn’t threatening and I didn’t feel like it was hostile or that I was in any danger. Maybe it was a sort of portal, similar to the soul vehicle I was just describing? After a while, I became aware of the soul of a dead person. They were ‘standing’ before me on the ‘other side’--the side of death–in the way they usually do, their body clearly dead. It’s kind of like a zombie or an animated corpse but it’s not gross; it’s just the way the soul of a dead person can appear at first.

There is always a transfer and, after a few minutes, the soul of the dead human crossed the threshold. Maybe the black demon or grim reaper or whatever was a doorway and I was another doorway. The soul crossed over and entered into my ‘space.’ And what a bundle of energy! It was immediately clear that this was the soul of a deceased teenage boy. A white, wealthy, privileged, hetero boy. A strange choice, I thought. Why is he here in me, a middle-aged, middle class homo?

He was full of arrogance and attitude. His energy was frenetic, a side effect of the journey, I imagine or maybe from being so young. Often these souls are in shock, they have died and are in the process of transition but they don’t know what’s going on. They are vulnerable and yet they still have all of their old defenses. Being young probably didn’t help. Also, I’m not sure what the nature of his death was but my guess is that it was pretty sudden.

The boy started out by exploring. I was a new ‘space’ for him and he was curious about who I am. Immediately, he knew I was gay and that I could sense him, all of him. He wasn’t exactly thrilled to sharing the soul space of a gay guy, a middle-aged one at that. I could ‘see’ what he looked like when he was alive and he was admittedly attractive. What’s more is that he knew that I thought he was attractive. There is a shared intimacy in these times because our souls were merged so there were no secrets between us.

I became aware of his heart. It showed up as a closed, golden vessel of some sort. It felt heavy and metallic. I guessed that he didn’t have a lot of experience with feeling his heart. Things moved fast and soon his heart opened. It was a revelation for both of us and I was touched. I could tell he didn’t realize that his heart could open like that.

The meditation timer’s bell went off and my meditation ended but he stayed with me, rattling around inside. His frenetic energy didn’t diminish when I dressed in my biking clothes and started riding to work. It was a gorgeous morning but he didn’t care. Typical teenage boy. Maybe the last time he would have an experience of a gorgeous Midwestern morning and he was unimpressed and uninterested. He thought it was boring.

He turned his attention to me.This boy was full of judgment. He started poking and prodding around inside me, reading my history. These souls have access to all of me–I couldn’t hide anything from them even if I wanted to–and so he could see everything about me and he wasn’t impressed. There was a distinct feeling of superiority from him. I knew that he was reacting, that I was seeing him in panic mode but it still hurt to be judged so harshly by someone who I hadn’t invited and who I had no power to say no to.

He thought I was a freak. He thought my life was pathetic. He wasn’t being kind.

I won’t lie. It hurt to be judged by him and I started crying. Maybe because I was upset, I let him have it. “If it wasn’t for me,” I told him, “you would be still lost in darkness. Who know when you might have been freed? You could have been stuck for a long time. At least I was here and available to you! Do you really think my life was a waste when it allowed me to hold you? It’s not easy living simultaneously in the physical world and the numinous. Do you think you could do it? Of course, it’s going to make someone into a bit of a freak!”

He felt bad for hurting my feelings and we worked through our reactions to each other. Everything was happening lightning fast! I remember Hameed Ali, the ‘guru’ of my spiritual work school, talking about how time passes differently for souls once their bodies are dead. This boy was in overdrive, feeling all sorts of things, remembering tons of things, moving through grief so quickly. It was exhausting and, at a certain point, I told him to stop and take a breath. He said, “I can’t breathe. I’m dead,” thinking he was being a smartass. “It doesn’t matter,” I said. “We can breathe together. Let’s just breathe. You need to relax or you’ll drive yourself crazy.”

We breathed and he relaxed, letting the reality of his situation settle over him. He became afraid and regressed, appearing like a small, frightened child in need of consoling. I consoled him. I also told him that I would have to focus on work and therefore would be less available to him but he was welcome to hang out. He could stay as long as he needed; there was no rush.

I can still feel him inside me, although he feels slightly more remote from my immediate experience. I’m sure that I haven’t seen the last of him, though. I wonder if he’ll continue regressing and eventually become a tender, innocent baby like has happened with other souls. Or will he continue to be a teenage boy? We’ll see. I’ll be sure to report back to you what happens.


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