August 19, 2022
The soul of the teenage boy has stayed with me this week. On Tuesday, I could feel him strongly but he was clearly focused inward and not really aware of me. Wednesday was the same, only his presence seemed less unique and more stripped down. Thursday, I was aware (I think) of the Stupa - one of the Diamond vehicles that Hameed Ali teaches about. The Stupa arises like a temple in one’s consciousness and signifies the soul’s ability to remain unique and personal without boundaries. It’s the synthesis of the Pearl (autonomy, personal essence) and the Point (true identity free of the ego) and, to me, it appeared as a gorgeous open chamber with pearlescent floors and golden columns. It opened onto the vast, unfathomable and depthless Absolute. It is within this vehicle that the soul of the boy resides.
On Thursday, he appeared as a cocoon, a softly glowing pod of gossamer threads. It felt like a gestating chamber of sorts as the boy’s soul gradually transformed. Into what, I have no idea but it was clear that he was becoming both more purified and also more abstract.
I assumed he would become fainter and fainter, eventually dissolving entirely, and so was surprised this morning when he came back stronger than ever. It didn’t start that way, though. At first, I was aware of a sense of deep grief. It took me a while to realize that the grief and sadness weren’t mine but belonged to him, the teenage boy. He was finally allowing himself to feel the grief of dying so young and also the fear about what would happen to him next.
When he first came to me on Monday, he was frenetic, manic. He was also cocky and self-assured, obviously in denial about dying. I remember marveling at how unaffected he was by his death.
That changed today.
Today, it was clear the reality of his demise had finally caught up to him and he was scared and upset.
And, today, I understood at least part of the reason he came to me: The Absolute. This whole journey into the Imaginal and recapturing memories of past lives was precipitated by dissolving into the Absolute. It was an ecstatic dissolution, a passionate love for being annihilated. When one ‘dies’ happily, willingly, it’s a big deal. It means that you’ve let go of your attachments–at least in that moment–and have finally awakened to how deeply you love being nothing at all. It defies description because it seems so irrational and terrifying and yet is the exact opposite.
By dissolving together into the depthless Absolute, he was able to see how lovely the experience is. He was able to know the feeling, this crazy feeling of not knowing what will happen next and not caring. The power and beauty of the trust we all have baked inside of us. We all want to dissolve completely into the Absolute and we all don’t care whether we will be reborn again. It doesn’t matter! The ultimate end is our deepest wish and our fondest desire.
Of course, the dissolution wasn’t very long, probably only a few moments, but it was enough. Afterwards, I could tell his feelings toward me had changed considerably. He no longer looked down on me for being a geek or a freak who had given up on all of the usual trappings of worldly success in favor of something completely hidden and possibly nonexistent. From his perspective, it seemed ridiculous to dedicate one’s life to the love of the truth when there is no guarantee of payoff.
Now, he saw me differently and appreciated why he was here. (Personally, I don’t really care whether he appreciates me or not but I guess it’s nice when someone does recognize that you’ve helped them.) There is now a fondness between us, I might even call it a friendship. This is one of the few times when I’ve made a friend during these adventures. There’s almost always gratitude but friendship is rarer. I’m curious to see where it goes.
The meditation ended with a glimpse (I think) of how he died. At first, I thought I was seeing the sulfurous fires of hell and wondered what was going on. But as I stayed with it, I realized that I wasn’t gazing upon the desolation of hell; it was an earthly desolation: A forest fire. Seen from within the blaze, it’s terrifying to behold. I could feel the smoke burning my lungs and was overwhelmed by the acrid smell. Did this boy die in a forest fire? Or, if not a forest, some other kind of fire? It seems so.
Just before the meditation bell sounded, the two of us were able to watch and experience the fire with complete impassivity. This seems like a testament to how far he has come over the past few days and I’m curious to see where this goes tomorrow.
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