August 21, 2022

 This morning my meditation wasn’t great. I didn’t sleep well last night and was tired. Also, I could tell that the boy’s idealization of me had shattered and he was sulking. It was the equivalent of a teenager slamming the door to their room and staying inside. This experience is feeling more and more like parenthood to me. I received the ‘gift’ of a fully grown teenage boy who is at the height of his surly rebelliousness. He’s in the phase where adults are all idiots and yet he desperately needs me at the same time. He is utterly dependent on me, not that I have the ability to kick him out if I wanted (and I don’t.)


I’ve never wanted to be a parent for the reason that I can’t stand when others are dependent on me. I’m such a narcissist and so image oriented that I can’t stand the pressure to perform as a parent because I know I will fail…spectacularly. I just don’t have it in me to handle the messiness of parent-child relationships. They’re awful.


And yet that’s exactly where I am.


I am essentially his parent now, whether I like it or not. And I’m far from perfect - I have my own issues to deal with and didn’t ask to be saddled with someone else’s, too. My self-image complex related to being helpless, weak and vulnerable has been up a lot lately because I am planning a trip to the Philippines in October for my nephew’s wedding. I don’t exactly look forward to it. It brings up all of my vulnerabilities - I don’t know Tagalog, I don’t do well in hot, tropical environments and will have to wear a suit for the wedding which means I have to lug one all the way across the world with me. Plus, the Philippines is a developing country with massive poverty and all sorts of issues. On some level, I know it will be Ok but even so my fear comes up around being vulnerable and weak.


The self-image complex is firmly entrenched with my superego. And the boy’s superego has been pretty active, judging me as deficient and basically laughable at times. When I’m stuck in the center of the complex, there is no right direction. There is no exit, no solution. I just feel lost and helpless.


And yet I’m supposed to be the adult here, supporting and caring for this teenager who has taken up residency inside me. No pressure at all!


At the same time, there is a developing intimacy between me and the boy. I can’t deny that I’ve grown fond of him and enjoy his presence inside me. I know he is terrified of moving on which means it could be a while before he leaves but part of me is attached to him and doesn’t want him to go. Welcome to the world of parenting! What parent hasn’t felt that way about their teenager? They both can’t stand them because they’re such a pain in the ass and they love them dearly and don’t ever want them to leave the nest.


I had no idea that one could be ‘forced’ to be a parent to a soul without a body. Whose decision was this anyway?


***

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