August 24, 2022

 I think the boy is gone for good. I think my last entry, when I was sitting beside his ‘grave’ was the last experience I will have of him. It’s hard to know for sure but I’ll report back if I encounter him again.


Today, I thought he had come back but then realized it wasn’t him at all. I was meditating and became aware of a particular kind of blackness, thick and cloying like tar or molasses. Two things accompanied this experience: A distinct, unique and personal presence and a lot of fear. The presence is hard to describe because it was more like a flavor at first. A man, adult this time. Fully mature, maybe in his 50’s. His ‘flavor’ was spicy (not hot spicy, more like herbal, savory) and distinctly masculine. I got the sense he was a smoker, perhaps that is why the black felt like tar. Perhaps he died or was dying of lung cancer? Of course, I’ll never know. He showed up as bearded and somewhat barrel-chested. Kind of like a lumberjack. Definitely heterosexual. (Why am I getting all these straight guys lately?) I think he was probably a white guy but again I can’t be sure.


It was clear the fear belonged to him and not me. I’ve noticed that when people are dying or are recently dead, they kind of panic in the blackness because they can’t ‘breathe.’ They are so used to breathing that it’s terrifying to suddenly not be able to breathe anymore. They don’t seem to realize that they don’t need to breathe any longer because they don’t have a body. Nevertheless, even after death, there is an equivalent to breathing available to the soul and I’ve noticed that, just like physical breathing, it seems to bring calmness.


I’ve wondered why I get all of these dead people visiting during my meditations. As far as these experiences go, they have almost always dealt with death and the dead. I’m a bit slow on the uptake but I’m pretty sure this has to do with my affinity with the Absolute. I love the blackness, the cessation, the intimacy, the ending of everything. It’s beautiful and tender and touching. It’s also a touchstone to everything. The Absolute is the gateway to all of creation - and non-creation, too.


I bowed to my new friend and invited the blackness to completely envelop us. I could taste the tar, feeling it fill my lungs. It was a bit scary, quite honestly. Even so, it wasn’t the first time I’ve had this experience and I’ve learned that, rather than fight it, it’s best to surrender and let myself be overwhelmed by the blackness. Let it smother me completely. Let it snuff out my life. It’s hard to describe but this embrace brings me in intimate contact with my heart…and the heart of the Divine. It starts out frightening but rapidly becomes something else.


A beautiful surrender. That’s how it feels. And it’s so touching, so dear, so personal. It always brings tears to my eyes.


We allowed the blackness to envelop us and we dissolved into the intimacy of the experience, losing everything. It was blissful. The man was able to relax and we became deeply still, silent and at rest until the meditation ended. I don’t know whether he will be with me again tomorrow when I meditate but I suspect this was the only time I would meet him.


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