September 12, 2022

 I met a ‘desire demon’ today for the first time, although the truth is probably that I’ve encountered many over the years. They seem to feed off the sexual instinctual drive, encouraging people to indulge in their deepest, darkest fantasies so they can grow stronger. This is just my hunch; I don’t know anything for a fact.

As you know, I’ve been trying simply meditate during my usual morning time but sometimes the visitors are too insistent and I can’t push them away. This morning I was feeling kind of horny while I was meditating so it’s not surprising that I was visited by a dude with a steroid fetish/body dysmorphia. Given how big and bloated her was, I’d say he died suddenly of a heart attack, probably because the ‘roids weakened his heart. It’s hard to say, though; all I know is that he was dead and stuck in the liminal space.

At first, he appeared as puffed up with himself and not just because of the steroids. He was clearly proud of his mutantly large muscles and got off on them. It didn’t take me long to realize that there was more than him present and he was being encouraged by a desire demon. The demon showed up as black with a sensual air. He possessed my body briefly in the attempt to tempt me. He promised to feed all of my desires if I just let him take over.

I didn’t resist him and bowed to him and the man like do every entity that drops in on me. I allowed him to take over my body and grooved on the euphoria of his promises. I didn’t go along, though. I’m old enough to know that guys do stupid things when they’re horny and I would regret anything as soon as I jacked off. That’s the emptiness underlying desire; it requires constant feeding or it evaporates, leaving you feeling kind of dumb for giving into it.

The shift came when I felt my heart. Once love is present, love for the truth especially, it’s hard to be tempted by desire. The heart has a mind of its own and it points like a compass toward the truth if you’re in touch with it. This had the effect of deflating the desire demon, shrinking him down to size.

The man felt his heart when I felt mine, probably because he was inside my field. This had a profound effect on him, making me wonder if it had been his heart that gave out and led to his death. In any case, he deflated as well, shrinking down to a somewhat nerdy, insecure boy. He appeared ghostly pale and very weak in the liminal space. It was this weakness that he had been running away from all of his life; it was what led him to take steroids in the first place. The desire demon appeared like a little black slug. If  you’ve watched the movie, ‘Spirited Away,’ you’ll be familiar with what he looked like. In the movie, the protagonist squashes the slug with her foot but I harbored no ill will toward the demon.

I told the demon, “Look, if you want to redeem yourself, be his guide on the other side once I pull him out of this place. He’ll need one and you’re perfect for the job.” As I said this, I knew it was risky; the demon and the man were on a cusp and could easily slip backward. Still, I had the feeling that I was right and everything would be Ok.

We were at the crossroads when we emerged; I seem to always end up there. The man/boy changed once he was out of the liminal space, still appearing weak but he had a healthy color now, no longer ghostly white. The desire demon had transformed as well and now appeared as a dark angel. I wasn’t concerned about him being dark - I’ve met plenty of dark angels who were actually good; their color means little, contrary to what most people think. The angel picked up the weak, helpless boy and carried him away.

Because of my prior experience with ‘converting’ demons to angels, I had a hunch that there would hell to pay. I had, after all, just stolen one of the ‘dark lords’ demons, perhaps taking him away forever. Sure enough, the dark lord appeared in all his glory. He/she is quite impressive and kind of reminded me of the gatekeeper who turned me back at the end of my journey through the bardo. He/she was immense and black and gold and very fierce. I knew I was no match for him/her but also wasn’t worried. I know Apis would intervene as he has done before.

And he did. I have no idea who Apis is. He could be a bodhisattva or a god. I just know that he has blue skin and exudes potent sensuality that sort of ambigender. He’s a good guy, though, and always takes care of me when I need him. And this was no exception. He whisked me away from the dark lord and deposited me safely in his gorgeous twilight realm.

“You sure do get yourself in trouble a lot,” he commented drily but I could feel the affection in his words. I know how much he loves me.

“Not that often,” I protested. “It’s been months since you had to intervene. But thank you for looking out for me. I love you.”


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