December 23, 2022

 The young man from yesterday was back again this morning in my meditation. I smelled him before I saw him. His personal odor was very familiar to me. I savored it for a while, trying to figure out who he reminded me of. It was similar to the pungent, spicy odor of my first childhood friend, James. And also reminiscent of my first gay crush, Michael, when I was 18 years old. It wasn’t exactly James’ or Michael’s odor but it was close. 

When the boy appeared, he looked very much like Michael Foley had when he was 19 years old. Medium height and stocky build with sandy brownish blond hair. I still have feelings for Michael after all of these years. Does one ever really get over their first love, especially when it was unrequited? The boy was appreciative for me helping to free him and his guardian from the parasitic desire demon and he really wanted to demonstrate his affection. He would have made love to me if I had allowed it. I certainly found him desirable but his presence also made me feel sad. Why? Because of the ghost of Griffin. Griffin is always present within me but he’s also unavailable most of the time, just like a ghost. He hovers, just out of reach, felt and seen but not really there. He brings up strong and potent memories that are both pleasant and sad. He’s bonded to me, merged with me and such a strong presence…and yet so distant. It’s hard. I wonder if I ever will see him in physical form again?

The boy and his protector stayed with me while the emotions washed over me. There was nothing to do but to be transparent to the feelings. They naturally opened up the longer I spent with them, taking me to the Absolute Beloved. Still, I held back, unable to completely open. Some things just can’t be rushed, you know. We can only do our best.

The boy and his furry protector were still there when my meditation concluded. Who knows if I will meet them again?


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