December 23, 2022

 The young man from yesterday was back again this morning in my meditation. I smelled him before I saw him. His personal odor was very familiar to me. I savored it for a while, trying to figure out who he reminded me of. It was similar to the pungent, spicy odor of my first childhood friend, James. And also reminiscent of my first gay crush, Michael, when I was 18 years old. It wasn’t exactly James’ or Michael’s odor but it was close. 


When the boy appeared, he looked very much like Michael Foley had when he was 19 years old. Medium height and stocky build with sandy brownish blond hair. I still have feelings for Michael after all of these years. Does one ever really get over their first love, especially when it was unrequited? The boy was appreciative for me helping to free him and his guardian from the parasitic desire demon and he really wanted to demonstrate his affection. He would have made love to me if I had allowed it. I certainly found him desirable but his presence also made me feel sad. Why? Because of the ghost of Griffin. Griffin is always present within me but he’s also unavailable most of the time, just like a ghost. He hovers, just out of reach, felt and seen but not really there. He brings up strong and potent memories that are both pleasant and sad. He’s bonded to me, merged with me and such a strong presence…and yet so distant. It’s hard. I wonder if I ever will see him in physical form again?


The boy and his protector stayed with me while the emotions washed over me. There was nothing to do but to be transparent to the feelings. They naturally opened up the longer I spent with them, taking me to the Absolute Beloved. Still, I held back, unable to completely open. Some things just can’t be rushed, you know. We can only do our best.


The boy and his furry protector were still there when my meditation concluded. Who knows if I will meet them again?


***

Popular posts from this blog

Introduction

Image
WARNING: While this blog is generally SFW, some entries contain sexually explicit/queer content. NOTE: It's best to read this blog starting with the first entry on January 3, 2021 , and then proceed chronologically. It will be a lot less confusing! I have been a student of the Diamond Approach (DA) since my mid twenties. I've dedicated my life to that path and have found it to be incredibly effective at piercing through the veil of the ego and revealing the sublime nature of reality. For those of you who aren't familiar with it, DA is a spiritual path elucidated by A.H. Almaas. It combines depth psychology with elements of Sufism and eastern mysticism. In my opinion, it's one of a handful of effective spiritual teachings. Students invariably experience release from their habitual, constructed self and delve into some deep and profound dimensions of reality. I can't do it justice in just a few sentences but you can check out the school's website here if you&#
Read more

April 23, 2024

  This morning’s experience was of the trippy, fantastical variety reminiscent of my first journeys into the Imaginal. I even went back to the white and cobalt blue city that I visited in my initial excursions into the Bardo. I started off thinking about how very strange most of the people are who do spiritual work. It seems like the people with the healthy egos don’t do spiritual work even though they are the best candidates. Instead, it’s a thieves' den of broken and unstable people (I don’t exempt myself from this classification) and these tend to have egos that aren’t well suited for the extreme dissolution required for spiritual transformation. Consequently, the broken become seekers and it takes them a very, very, very long time to in general to truly change. Most barely shift their perspectives at all. It’s kind of dispiriting. I began my meditation with that thought on my mind. After sitting for a while, I heard a voice, the voice of the Divine in my heart. It said, “I call
Read more

February 27, 2024

  No Imaginal sex today for once. ;-)  I was really planning to have a simple meditation but it didn’t work out that way. I became aware of the Black and then I realized I was surrounded by a pack of what I thought at first were black wolves. Their eyes glowed light blue, the color I have come to associate with the Land of Souls, for lack of a better name. These weren’t wolves, though, because, while they seemed menacing at first, I soon realized they were just agitated. They appeared to be huskies which are sort of wolf-like so I can be forgiven for mistaking them. In any case, the black dogs surrounded me, barking insistently and pleading for me to follow them.  I was still in the realm of the Absolute but it was a border region. All I had to do was look outward and I could see the edge of the realm. Up ahead was a shining blue-white beacon. It was so beautiful that it brought tears to my eyes. One of the dogs took my wrist in his mouth and pulled me toward the beacon. As we approach
Read more