December 27, 2022
Another day, another teaching. Sometimes, it’s true, I don’t much care for the teachings I receive. Today was one such instance, although I can’t deny the truth of what I perceived. The parasites were back, attached and feeding on me as they were yesterday. They had changed somewhat. Rather than appearing like maggots, they looked like a weird and disturbing combination of black, shiny insects and wolf pups.
As I sat and meditated, the teaching began to unfold before me whether I liked it or not. I was in essence the ‘pups’ mother and they were suckling on me as pups would upon their mother’s teats. I realized that some mothers probably do at times perceive their children as parasites, voraciously consuming their vital fluids. There was a positive and negative way of viewing the experience. On the positive side, my essence was like the life’s blood to these pups, I was learning what it was like to be a mother, something that’s not really possible in the physical world for a male…at least not for most males.
On the negative side, the pups were voracious. Their hunger knew no bounds and it wasn’t clear to me that they were only taking what they needed from me. There seemed to be a greediness to their appetite. I was left feeling ambivalent about the experience.
As I stayed with it, I gradually became aware of another being before me. He–at least I think he was male–was like an adult version of the insect pups suckling upon me. Tall and unnaturally slender with long, sinewy arms that ended in deadly claws, he was completely black and both furry and scaly. His eyes glowed a feral yellow in the darkness.
I wasn’t afraid of him and bowed as I do to all entities I meet. I gathered he was there for a reason and, as is my habit, I offered up my heart as a gift to him. I extended my cupped hands and discovered they were filled with a glowing, midnight blue liquid. I expected the wolfman to drink from the liquid but he didn’t move. Instead, I was startled to see his reflection in the liquid when I gazed down upon it. Rather that appearing as the wolfman before me, his reflection showed me an angelic being, glowing in deep blue light. Its eyes were golden hued and beautiful.
The message was clear: In larval form, nearly everything can be perceived as parasitic. Indeed, if you view the human ego structure in the Imaginal Realms, it often appears quite hideous. It can appear in any number of forms, most of which are deeply disturbing and unpleasant. As I’ve noted before, all animals are basically parasites and humans are incredibly parasitic upon the Earth. It is the nature of the Earth as being made up of True Nature to offer its bounty selflessly.
The true, adult form of most beings is beautiful and usually bears no resemblance to its immature form. The caterpillar to butterfly analogy is a classic example. So, these maggot/wolf pups suckling upon me should not be viewed only as parasites but from a more holistic perspective. If you just viewed me as an ego and thought that was all I would ever be, the image is pretty bleak and sinister. However, (I hope) if you view me from a more holistic perspective, you will see that all of that ugliness was there for a reason and served a purpose. Beauty is complex and definitely requires maturity to view in its entirety.
What could I do after this but let the pups continue to suckle on me? I was deeply affected by this teaching but it also has left me disturbed. I still harbor more than a little Christian bias and Christianity–at least as it was taught to me–is obsessed with the struggle between good and evil. In Christian teachings, good things are beautiful and light and evil things are ugly and black. I definitely tilt naturally toward blackness and spend a lot of time rubbing elbows with things that inhabit the dark recesses of the Imaginal. Does this mean then that I am evil? I know the answer in my soul is no, that everything is more nuanced and complex than this simple polarity. However, old biases take a long time to die.
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