April 20, 2023

 My sense of Griffin has only increased over the past several days. I don’t know exactly what’s happening but I understand that there is an ongoing process, one of growth and understanding. It is changing both of us and shaping us, although I don’t know exactly in what ways. I do feel like, of the two of us, my soul has evolved in a way that stabilizes it in the nonphysical realms. Further, it possesses its own golden light. The light is dim, especially when compared to higher beings, but it's plenty bright enough to illuminate total darkness. As the famous saying goes, at night a candle's brighter than the sun. 

This morning, I became aware of the soul of a boy. He was dark-haired, probably twelve or thirteen years old. At first, he appeared as a “batboy,” sort of an amalgam of human and bat. His skin was black and his face was mostly a gaping maw filled with razor-sharp teeth. He had leathery wings like a bat and was lying on his stomach, broken wings spread out around his body. Was this another suicide? I wondered. He looked like other suicide victims I’ve encountered, being essentially flattened and listless. The only difference was he didn’t seem quite as lifeless as I would expect. It’s hard to say how he died but it was clear that he was dead.

I bowed to him, aware that he was trapped in blackness, suspended in it, but there was a weak, golden light filling the space. It was coming from inside my chest. I watched him for a while, assessing, before moving to lift him into my arms. I don’t know much about him but I got the sense that part of the reason I was called to him had to do with my own queerness. Was he a fellow queer? Perhaps. I suspect that part, if not most, of the reason that he appeared monstrous was because he believed he was a monster. We queerboys often believe we’re monsters, especially if we live in a place and time that is especially homophobic.

To me, of course, he wasn’t monstrous but adorable. I held him to me, allowing the golden light from my chest to pour out onto his body. Gradually, he transformed from a monster into a very human boy. It was beautiful. And, once he was fully human again, the dark space in which he was enclosed changed as well. It became clear that the boy was being sheltered under the wings of a giant, black dragon. This dragon was bent over him, shielding him in the darkness of its wings. When the boy was a boy again, the dragon lifted its wings and sunlight flooded in.

We were on the top of a mountain. The sun was bright but somewhat enveloped in scudding clouds. The dragon raised its head and spread its wings, inviting the boy to climb onto its back. And then they were gone and I knew that the dragon was the boy’s guide, there to take him on the next phase of his journey. I wished them well.

I stayed on that mountain top for the rest of my meditation. At some point, I realized the sun really wasn’t the sun at all but a being of light. I’m making sound like a thing but the sense was very much of no separation. The boundaries of separateness were dissolving as everything drew together into oneness. The warm glow inside my chest (or the ‘chest’ of my soul), while dim, was nonetheless present and inseparable from the brilliant glow of the being.

I realized I was embracing Griffin. He was pressed against me. We were both naked but this wasn’t an erotic encounter. His great, hairy head was against my neck and shoulder. His body was cold compared to mine. He also lacked the inner glow of my soul body. I take this to mean that he is still mostly asleep to his inner nature and I am at least somewhat awake. We’re clearly bonded together, inseparable. I love him deeply but I also know our journey is far from over and there is much yet to learn and many wounds that still need to heal.

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