January 1, 2024

 The mystery deepens. I haven’t been having the usual journeys lately. You know, the ones where I meet a soul that is trapped and help to free it. These may be over, for now at least. That doesn’t mean that I haven’t been journeying, though. When I’ve been invited lately, my ‘job’ has been to hold the space, maintaining the channel between the depth of Being and wherever I happen to be. This seems to be a necessary function, one that allows transformation to happen. So, I’m still a catalyst of sorts. I get the sense there aren’t many beings like me who have developed this capacity and we are in demand. The feeling is that simply by being present wherever I am, I am helping things to unfold. In this sense, I understand what ‘they’ mean when they say that we are doing the Work for all beings. It’s not just a quaint saying.

Today, I awoke with a heavy heart that didn’t quite feel like my own. I don’t quite understand what was going on, just that the feeling in my heart wasn’t exactly personal to me. I felt like I was feeling something that belonged to someone else but it was someone I am connected to. I don’t know exactly who that might be, though. Like I’ve mentioned before, we seem to lead two sort of separate lives, one in the physical world and the other in the spiritual. There may be people in our physical lives who we know in the spiritual as well but these people aren’t obvious. It takes time to uncover their identities and these identities seem to evolve over time. Ambiguity is the norm.

The journey was powerful and clear today but the meaning wasn’t obvious. I found myself in a glade surrounded by evergreens. There was an ancient, moss-covered fount before me. The water inside was incredibly clear and pure. This was definitely a sacred place. I knelt and drank from the fount, rising again and making my way through the wood. Before me was a white stag. I buried my face in the soft hair of his neck and hugged him. He invited me to ride upon his back and took me to an ancient temple in the middle of the wood. There was a radiant, golden light pouring out onto the forest floor from its open doorway.

I dismounted from the stag and the stag and I approached the temple, entering inside. Once there, I was overcome by sadness and heaviness. This whole time I couldn’t stop crying even though I had no idea why I was crying. My fate, I could feel, was tied up with this place and the stag and the one who was waiting for me but I have no clear idea how or why.

There was a golden, angelic being inside the temple waiting for us. Neither male nor female, ‘he’ invited me in. I realized the stag, while taking the form of a male animal, was not necessarily male. Both beings were incredibly gentle and kind to me, inviting me to lie down and feel the pain and suffering burdening my heart. I did so, allowing them to caress my body and share their strength with me. I felt so helpless and so drained! I needed them and their love badly. 

There was nothing to do but lie there and receive their blessings. Gradually, their care began to have an impact on me and I felt my heart–though still heavy with suffering–open. I found myself in a new place, a very dark and foreboding place. It was like a black cathedral, full of darkness and menace, although I was not afraid. There was a powerful being in the center of the cathedral, one who looked like an anthropomorphic bat. Its muzzle was dripping with blood.

As I mentioned, I wasn’t afraid and didn’t feel threatened. I knew this being was much more powerful than others I have been sent to meet before. (I’ve met others as powerful as ‘him’ but have had other beings step in and assist because I wasn’t strong enough to handle them.) This time, I knew I was suited for this mission…whatever that might be. Even though my heart was heavy and I was weary with suffering, I wasn’t in over my head. I was meant to be here.

What to do but welcome this powerful, dark being? I bowed to ‘him’ and approached, reaching out to embrace him. As I did so, my body began glowing with white radiance. The light was so strong and so pure that it was blinding. It also had a transformative effect on the being before me, stripping away its darkness until it was bare before me.

This was a tearful interaction. I couldn’t stop crying. Somehow, I was connected to this being but I still don’t understand how or why. Also, it wasn’t like everything suddenly transformed and began sweetness and light. No, this interaction was powerful and transformative but it wasn’t the end. It didn’t end with everything tied up neatly with a bow. No, there’s a lot here and a lot that I don’t understand. The goal, as I understood it, had nothing to do with salvation or purification, although those things may have happened. It’s something more complex, something that I am connected to but that is also beyond me. I’m just seeing a small part and I don’t understand. I may never understand.

What might be important here is my humanity. Humans have the ability to span the depths of darkness and reach up to the lofty heights. We are like bridges. We can connect things that have been separated. But we are probably more than this. And we may be more than human. We may be human in our physical world but something else in the spiritual realms. Our humanity allows us to evolve, to grow and develop. Or not. Certainly many humans seem pretty stuck. Hell, I myself am probably stuck.

There is so much I don’t understand.


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