February 11, 2024

 This was a disturbing meditation that taught me about splitting and its resolution after life. First, I became aware of the soul of a boy, probably in his early teens. He appeared ghostly and was drawn to me for reasons that I soon understood. When I saw him, I also saw another soul. This was of an old boy or, more precisely, a young man. There was history between these two, probably of the homosexual variety. However, there was also violence between them and I wondered if the older boy had been responsible for the younger one’s death. It wasn’t a harmonious relationship in other words.

The ghostly boy approached the ghostly young man. I could feel something inside him and, because I was holding the space, it was inside me. It burrowed out of his/my chest like a black beetle. This thing feasted from within. It was not beneficial. It was definitely parasitic.

It was all I could do to tolerate the sensation/experience of this repulsive creature emerging from within him/me. I was mindful of the Woman in White’s admonition, though: Stay with your experience. Don’t try to do anything, just let it happen. Trust in the process.

When this black beetle emerged fully it was the size of a human and appeared like a human-beetle hybrid. It was completely black. I stayed with this blackness, finding the Source within it, the Source being the Absolute. Soon, I was immersed in complete darkness, alone with the beetle thing.

Another much darker and more powerful being appeared then. He was bigger and appeared to be winged. He was definitely sinister. Even though both appeared to be like demons, I could tell they weren’t but I also couldn’t tell what exactly they were. The only choice I had was to stay in the blackness with these two creatures.

Gradually, I came to understand what they were. In hindsight, it’s pretty obvious but it’s difficult sometimes during these experiences to put everything together until afterwards. These two demonic creatures were split off from the original two ghostlike young men. In other words, they were the shadows of the two ghosts. Splitting is a powerful defense and mostly unconscious. It’s such a powerful defense that entire religions (wink, wink. Christianity) are based on it.

These two, due to the toxic nature of their connection, had split into dark and light halves. Unfortunately, when you split, it seems like the darker half is always more powerful, probably because it’s so unconscious. As I stayed with the split, the two halves–the dark and the ghostly white–gradually came together until the two boys became a mixture of dark and light. They felt much more real in the sense they had actual presence. Before, when they were split, the lighter halves felt vaporous, diffuse. The black halves, however, felt too dense, toxic.

It’s not like everything was suddenly better. No, if that had been the case, the pair would have been transformed into radiant beings of pure light. Instead, they were still down in the muck but no longer split off. There was a potential for continued healing, though, and that is what seems like it’s the most important.


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