February 26, 2024

 This was a bittersweet morning and one that led to an epiphany as well. I was focused on simply meditating and was successful for much of the time. Towards the end, though, I became aware of deep blackness. Of course, I opened to it. After sitting in the intimate blackness of the Absolute, I realized that I wasn’t alone. First I perceived a pair of jade-green, slitted, feline eyes and these slowly resolved into the form of a black panther.

When I was child, the black panther was both the animal that I felt the most drawn to and also the one I was most afraid of. I’ve written in here how afraid of the nonexistence of the Absolute, fearing that when I die, I will simply be erased. I think the black panther represented this fear in animal form because the panther is stealthy and deadly and hunts at night. The fact that it’s black only added to this association with the annihilating quality of the Absolute.

I recognized this black panther from a dream I had when I was five years old. In the dream, I was inside my childhood home in the basement which is a walkout. I was standing inside, looking out through the sliding glass doors of the walkout. As I watched, a huge black panther stalked past the window outside and peered in at me. Chills went down my spine and I was very afraid. I was, however, somewhat reassured because I was inside and it was outside and there was plate glass between us. 

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your perspective), the panther merely stared at the glass door and it slid open. I was petrified by fear and tried to hide. Eventually, I woke up but the dream has stayed with me ever since.

I knew this panther was the same one from the dream. This time, however, everything was different. I was no longer afraid of annihilation and did not fear the beast. I realized that I knew this being and knew him very well. (He was most assuredly male.) I hugged him fiercely around the neck, nuzzling my face against his fur. He licked my head with his scratchy tongue.

We hugged for a long time until I gradually became aware that this panther was horny for me. He became playful and eventually pushed me down onto my back and positioned himself between my knees. He pushed his body forward, moving my knees upward so my butt was exposed. And then he mounted me, pushing his long, thick, spiny penis inside me. He pushed his weight down on me as he did so and I clung to his back, inviting him in deeper. 

It was a sweet coming together, one that I welcomed with my entire being. I begged him never to pull out. I wanted him to stay inside me, wanted to remain bound to him this way forever. Of course, that couldn’t happen but he was more than willing to extend our coitus. As he thrust deeper and deeper inside of me, I started crying. I opened my mouth and he opened his and our tongues met. We pressed together as tightly as possible.

After we orgasmed, he remained inside me. When I opened my eyes, we were longer in the dark cave but in the Land of Souls, that immediate realm between death and the Crossroads where everything is blue and white and grey. Our bodies were likewise blue and white.

He was no longer a panther but a man. A very handsome, powerful, muscular, confident and masculine man. I cried again when I saw him, recognizing him as my brother. (Not my biological brother but a brother of my clan, the clan I belonged to before I incarnated as a human. We lived in a deep forest and our mother was the Dark Mother, a very primitive, chaotic and brutal goddess…but one that we loved nonetheless. We were her children, the caretakers of her forest.)

“Why are we here?” I asked him, looking around.

“This is the place of dreams, the only place we can be like this together.” By ‘like this,’ he meant to inhabit a humanlike form. 

This man–who was not a man at all–had been my big brother, the one who took me under his wing and schooled me on the ways of the forest. I had loved him deeply and our relationship was much more than simply brotherly. He was like the prototype for Griffin but, of course, Griffin is human and this being was never human.

Memories of my life together with him and the rest of my siblings filled my mind and I was overwhelmed with longing and love for them. I’ve met a few of my siblings here and there during my journeys and I think I’ve met him before as well. This was the first time, though, that we made love and rekindled our intimate relationship. I love him fiercely with all my heart, although it’s a different sort of love than the passionate love I have for Griffin. Griffin is the other half of me, the human part that grounds me in the human world. This man is something different, something older and deeper and more mysterious. And so incredibly important to me.

Reading my thoughts, he laughed. “You’re right. I’m the one who let Griffin call you away from us. I guess you could say that I picked him. I know what you like. I know everything you like. No one else would do.”

I understood what he meant. Griffin and he are so similar. By picking Griffin, my brother assured that we would be compatible and happy together. I was filled with gratitude upon hearing his words.

But I was also upset because meeting him again like this made me long to be with him again. He kissed me, still buried deep inside me, and let me cling to his muscular body. “I know, I know,” he murmured. “I miss you, too. Very much. But we can never go back to the way we were before. That path is closed to us.” When I whined in protest at this, he kissed me again, adding, “But that doesn’t mean we’ll never be together again. Who knows? Things might actually be better now. After all, you were innocent and naive before you were claimed by a human and became somewhat human yourself. Would you really want to go back to that? Isn’t this better?”

I wasn’t so sure but what could I do? He was already pulling away, getting ready to leave me. “You’ll be fine,” he said, kissing me again. “I wouldn’t have come to visit you if you weren’t mature enough to handle it.” He hugged me tightly before drawing away. “I will always love you.”

I have no doubt that the dream I had when I was five years old was about this ‘man’ and I also have no doubt that he was involved somehow with my pairing with Griffin. He’s right that Griffin is very much like him, although Griffin burns hot and bright and red like a virile human male. This man is quite different and has a cooler aura more akin to my own. Also, his aura is definitely not human.

Our meeting in the darkness of the Absolute makes me wonder about our clan’s service. We are children of the Dark Mother so maybe we have inherited some of her abilities, particularly as they relate to the Absolute. 

The meeting has made me miss Griffin more than ever. It has also made me miss the siblings of my clan. I feel connected to them, although not as strongly and clearly as Griffin. And I suspect the ‘man’ was correct: We will meet again. This is only a temporary situation, this embodiment in the physical world. There is more to come.


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