June 8, 2024 "Remembering"

I know how crazy these entries must seem to, well, just about anyone who reads them...if anyone is reading them. I know how I would feel reading them if I didn’t have the experience to back them up. Still, I’m familiar with wild fantasies and fever dreams. I’ve certainly been guilty in my younger days of living in a fantasy world. The difference between fantasy and these experiences is that fantasy requires energy to maintain. Also, you have to keep reminding yourself of the fantasy or starts to fade and get distorted (even though it was distorted from the beginning.)

For me, these experiences are quite different from fantasy. They don’t feel like inventing or wishful thinking. Instead, it’s like unlocking memories that lie tied up in my soul. I sit in meditation and don’t go anywhere, simply stay with the nothingness of my experience. Eventually, I become aware of a pattern of tension in my body, usually in the chest area, and I feel uncomfortable. I don’t want to stay with the experience and it is at these times when it’s easy to lose myself in distraction. If I stay with the discomfort, though, it usually grows in intensity. When I realize that I’m unconsciously identifying with a self image, usually the tension evaporates and then I am left with the impression that was causing the tension.

I wrote previously about Death Space. I feel like I have karma, for lack of a better term, built up around death and sitting in the austerity of Death Space brings up unmetabolized stuff around death. Sitting in the space and not reacting to it inevitably leads to the emergence of the residual impressions/memories/self images around death that are getting in the way.

There are three human lives that I’m aware of and each of them has their stuff around death. The one that seems to have the most unresolved baggage is the one where I was with Griffin. (Although, honestly, this current life has nearly the same amount of baggage as that one.) It’s the stuff around death and Griffin that’s been coming up lately, though.

I see how my pre-human origin has a lot to do with my experiences around death. If these soul memories are to be believed, my ‘parents’ were old, chaotic gods and my early non-physical life was spent in an Eden-like paradise with my brothers and sisters. These ‘years’ were full of a deep connection to the Earth–the spiritual Earth that is related to the physical Earth–and natural perception of life and death as not just interconnected but interpenetrating. 

Then came being born as a human. I still feel like my life with Griffin was my second human life but that may be because it’s so vivid that it feels like it happened prior to this current one. It’s possible it was my first life. It doesn’t really matter because unresolved stuff is unresolved no matter when it happened. And there was definitely a lot of intensity in my life and death and afterlife involving Griffin. The fact that he murdered me as a mercy killing is at the center of a lot of these impressions and I continue to be haunted by it to this day. 

The unresolved stuff around this death is coming up a lot right now during my meditations and I’m slowly unlocking more memories trapped in contortions in my soul. A few days ago I ‘remembered’ that my association with the Woman in White goes back a lot further than I thought. She was there right after I died at Griffin’s hand, extending her hand to me as an offer to take me to the next life. I refused the offer…temporarily at least. I’m still fuzzy on the details but she let me forego reincarnation while I sorted out some of the unfinished business between me and Griffin. I state that like it was a logical thing but it was anything but. The reality was that, while I was reeling and hurt by Griffin’s betrayal, I was also steadfastly in love with him and wouldn’t leave without him helping him.

The Woman in White left me alone, although I’ve since learned that you can’t really turn your back on reincarnation but you can split your soul in two, part of you going on to the next life and the other left behind in the ghost realms. This is what happened to me. I’m pretty sure she explained the price of my decision to me but I faced a choiceless choice: I’m connected to Griffin and cannot leave him behind even if I wanted to. It’s the cruel reality of a soulmate: You’re tied to each other, living out the repercussions of the other’s choices.

In Asian lore, someone who commits suicide severs the connection with their loved ones. However, I don’t think it’s really possible to sever the connection one has with a soulmate. Their soul is your soul. How do you separate or sever that? I don’t think it’s possible.

This morning, I ‘remembered’ something else from my journey through the ghost realms. I came for Griffin, journeying into what some would call the realms of hell. There, I made a deal with the demons: Give me Griffin and you can have me. They accepted and I took his ‘body,’ fishing around in a pool of blood much like I did earlier this week when I sought the soul of the young woman. I pulled him out and took him away from there.

He has remained unconscious pretty much since then. I don’t exactly know what is going on with him. He may be reincarnated like me but his soul is split between the physical world and the ghost realm. He may be in a sort of delusional dreamstate. He may be in his own private hell, punishing himself for his perceived sins. I just know that he’s not really dead and he’s not fully available to me. When will that change? I have no idea. I could be a very long time.

Things are making more sense to me like why I almost always encounter lost souls. Part of me is ‘living’ in the ghost realms and so I have access to them even though part of my soul is also in a living body. My deal with the demons to retrieve Griffin means that I’m sort of stuck there, although I can travel pretty far and wide. Still, I’m always called back and I view it as a duty to help other souls as I can.

This has given me a nuanced view of good and evil. I get people who commit crimes, who inflict pain and suffering, who do hurtful things. Not only have I done such things myself, I’ve had them inflicted upon me as well. I’ve lived from both sides. I know that nothing is final, that death isn’t the end and that the journey continues whether you’re in a physical body or not. I understand why I’m not afraid of demons and don’t reject them. I understand why I feel compassion for them, why I can see their inner natures and realize they are not fully evil. I understand why I see them as important members of an important ecosystem.

The rational, scientific part of me still scoffs at the notion of hell and demons and, honestly, if you’ve understood anything about what I write, it’s that nothing is really black and white. Still, it seems weird to me that there would be a ‘place’ after life where souls go to work through their negative karma. I mean, it makes sense but still seems far fetched. Who created hell? Who maintains it? Who decides who is rescued and by whom?

I don’t believe there is a supreme being overseeing hell and redemption. No, that’s plainly not possible. There do, however, seem to be laws just like the laws of physics in physical reality. (The laws of metaphysics?) Souls grow and develop but they also devolve and disintegrate based on their experiences. There must be some order in place just like physical reality has order. Physical reality isn’t governed by a separate god any more than nonphysical reality is. Both have their laws and their order. I guess wondering about the order of metaphysical reality is the same as wondering who created gravity and matter? Perhaps it’s an unanswerable question?

So, the human soul–and probably all souls–follow the laws of metaphysical reality just like our bodies follow the laws of physical reality. One aspect of this is atonement. If a soul is to have the potential to evolve, it also has the potential to devolve and karma is the mechanism by which the soul ‘pays the price’ for its ‘sins’. I dislike Christian language but it’s as good as any right now. 

It makes sense, too, that the denizens of ‘hell’ aren’t just so-called evil doers. There must be plenty of others as well. Indeed, it seems like there is a whole universe of beings involved and this includes souls and beings that are not atoning, who aren’t working their karmic baggage. Otherwise, it truly would be a hopeless ‘place.’

So, part of me stayed behind with Griffin and part of me remains there to this day. I have no idea for how long but, like I mentioned earlier, I don’t really have a choice but to stay. It’s a strange sort of exile, one that has left me with plenty of company. Yeah, lots of company except for Griffin’s. I sit there in the darkness, keeping his sarcophagus company, waiting for something to happen. And sometimes the other part of my soul, the one in the physical world, connects to this other part and we journey together. 

It has its benefits and it could be worse. I’m not a prisoner. I’m not trapped. I can move around. Even better, my soul can develop. The Inner Work that I’ve been engaged in attests to this. It is possible for my soul to grow and change and develop. The Pearl Body is one such development but there are others like the ability to experience different dimensions and what A.H. Almass calls the Diamond Vehicles.

My soul, like all souls, is on a journey and, like all souls, that journey is unique to me. And, gosh, is it a strange one! I supposed when I die I could find out it’s all been a strange delusion but somehow I don’t think so. I guess I won’t know for sure, though, until I do die and then there will be no way for me to report back to you. You’ll just have to take this on faith: I’m not making it up.

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